tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63509736467704612912024-02-06T20:23:32.672-07:00MaddiSizedThe Adult YearsBevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-77663311510969682222017-01-10T15:49:00.000-07:002017-01-10T15:57:20.678-07:00<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Life as a TBI survivor is interesting. On the inside you feel normal, but on the outside people see you doing things that aren't quite average. This effects every aspect of life for a TBI survivor. After dealing with a brain injury for years, sometimes I just want it to go away. But it can't. And it sticks its fingers in every part of my life. My work is affected, my spirituality is affected, my relationships are affected. Everything! You would think after six years I'd be used to it by now, but the truth is I don't think I'll ever be quite used to it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Because of my brain injury, disappointments are bigger, love runs deeper, and anger burns hotter. This means that when my hours are cut at work, I'm devastated. But it also means that when I publish my first story for others to read, the excited is larger than life and lasts a long time. My emotions are just bigger. That's the truth. Sometimes it isn't very fun, but other times its worth it. Like when I'm angry at my boyfriend for taking me on a really hard hike so I swear at him. That's not so fun. But when we get to the top of the hike, and he asks me to marry him, and I wear a smile that could light up Las Vegas for months. That's worth it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, I thought I would give you all a little update. I know I haven't been good about posting, but that's going to change.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">And yes, you read that right, I published my first story through Kindle Direct Publishing. It's called Since the Turn of a Page. (I use a pen name so it won't be under Maddi or Maddison or with the last name Sanders)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Maddi out.</span></div>
Madshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07909297574077322565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-24823083459051423372012-04-06T13:16:00.001-06:002012-04-06T13:17:21.692-06:00Atonement<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">1 February 2012</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wrote this post in February but it has been lost in the cue of other posts I have written but never put on the blog. I don’t know why but I feel compelled to post it now……………….</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Any time tragedy strikes those outside the immediate impact marvel at how the family or people can manage to get through the terrible tragedy. Often you hear things like, “I could never handle that.” or “You are so strong.” I wanted to give an insider’s view to this situation. We aren’t any stronger than anyone else, we don’t have any great secret that allows us to gather ourselves together to face the next day of trauma. The only thing that is different between those in it and those not is the…. NEED. All of the emotions that people think they will experience during a tragedy or a traumatic event, we do experience. It is just<i> required</i> that we continue to get out of bed each day. It isn’t internal strength but necessity. If you were in that situation you would find a way to move forward each day too!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Those Mormon Pioneers that are so revered for their courage, perseverance and strength weren’t so different from us. They stayed on the trail because there was nowhere else to go. To return and cross over the river again meant that they would certainly come face to face with a mob wanting to kill them. That mob provided the fuel to continue putting their “shoulder to the wheel”. Even those Saints that crossed the plains without the real threat of a mob still were homeless anyway. They had left their homes, families and anything that mattered to them in their country of origin. Necessity pushed their handcarts. The difference was that on the trail there was HOPE that things could and would be better.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I can’t begin to explain how the Spirit has walked with us giving us that kind of HOPE. If you have read this blog you know that I believe without reservation that God is real and that his Son gave the ultimate sacrifice so that I could learn and grow from my mistakes, experiences, sorrows and joys. I also believe that God and his Son are distinctly separate beings and with the Holy Ghost the three of them work together in perfect harmony for our individual and eternal good.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The Savior makes it REAL and possible to evolve and remove those rough edges in our personalities and those sharp edges that life requires we experience. This journey with Brain Injury is one of those sharp edges. The comfort we received was physical, tangible and outside of ourselves, an unseen power; The Atonement. The Atonement isn’t just for “sinners” but really aren’t we all in that category? I don’t know anyone who handles things perfectly every time. We all make mistakes and sometimes they can be big ones with long reaching consequences that can’t be “fixed” only learned from.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe the Atonement is for the express purpose to allow us to make mistakes without falling into that deep dark hole of regret and self- loathing that keeps us chained. It provides us a way to move forward when we are stuck and our own strength is not enough for release. It allows us to find relief from the burdens thrust upon us by other people and those we create for ourselves though errors in judgment, human frailty, pride and just plain stupidity. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that God knew that our ability to choose perfectly would be hindered in this mortal place and in his wisdom, grace and mercy he provided the Atonement so we could learn through our own experiences. The Savior takes on all our sorrows regardless of the source and provides us clarity and hope to move forward. That is how we could persevere.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">HOPE provides the fuel to get through the most horrific of days and still manage to get up and try again. Hope provides a balm when you don’t have the strength to do anything else. Hope and Faith are interconnected and I can’t begin to be an expert on this but I know that those Pioneers probably had days where they were grumbling in their hearts, feeling weak or asking all those “why me” questions, wishing things were different. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I think it is unfair to compare our internal spiritual journey to the outward expressions of someone else. I think it sets us up for feelings of unworthiness and disappointment if we expect ourselves to never question, wonder, worry, doubt or feel the weight and sorrows of life.<font size="5"><em> </em></font></font> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><font size="5"><em>Faith is the definition of putting those issues to rest, though not resolved and believing anyway.</em></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">So, though I do assert that necessity provides the strength to push forward; <font color="#0000ff" size="5">FAITH</font> and <font color="#0000ff" size="5">HOPE</font> make it possible to maintain a positive outlook in the darkest time. It is the difference between just getting through it and being able to say “Thy Will, not mine, be done,” when all you want to do is beg and plead. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><font color="#ff0000" size="5">FAITH</font> and <font color="#ff0000" size="5">HOPE</font> provide the peace that says you can make it no matter how hard it gets.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The Atonement provides us a way to look at others compassionately knowing that we have <em>NO IDEA</em> what life is like for them and the struggles they are wrestling with because we all struggle with something. We can forgive a deep hurt that shakes you to your foundation. We can find mercy for those who fail us when we need it most, including ourselves. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have always been a spiritually minded sort but this last life lesson has clarified so specifically the role of the Atonement in my everyday life, not just for those times I say terrible “Grandma words” or when I hurt others without any intention or in anger, or if I break one of the Big 10. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have the opportunity to sit in council with my Savior and give an accounting of my day, good and bad, and seek for his wisdom to provide a plan to improve, learn to accept my own limitations and learn to love deeper and serve more. Ultimately, it is daily divine therapy that helps me learn and practice being more like him and come closer to who I am meant to be. I can try again!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have a deep understanding what it feels like to be at the mercy of my Savior’s compassion without any claim or expectation of relief or a miracle. I have never before experienced the sweet relief of a burden the way I did during that stressful time. It didn’t make the problems go away but it was a literal lifting of my heart to part the dark clouds circling with the debilitating storm on the horizon.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I feel such indebtedness to the Lord for reaching out to me in all my imperfectness and loving me in spite of it all. The words of several hymns surge through my mind when I contemplate the perfectness of the Atonement and how truly blessed I feel. I am not quite ready to say I would go through it again to learn this stuff but I am so grateful for these beautiful truths.</font> <p align="center"><i><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>I Stand All Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers ME….Confused at the grace that so FULLY he proffers me.</strong></font></i> <p align="center"><i><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>I Need Thee Every Hour…Teach me thy will…thy rich promises in me fulfill.</strong></font></i> <p align="center"><i><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing….Streams of mercy, never ceasing.</strong></font></i> <p align="center"><i><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Praise the Mount, I’m fixed upon it! Mount of thy redeeming love!</strong></font></i></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-58595324226087398052012-03-14T12:35:00.001-06:002012-03-14T12:35:36.362-06:002011 vs. 2012<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I thought I would do a post comparing last year to this year. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>March 2011</strong></font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Struggling through two classes.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">3<sup>rd</sup>-4th<sup>th</sup> grade math at home </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Struggled to organize a written assignment.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">2 hour fatigue threshold</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Difficulty following a conversation. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Age appropriate for an hour or two.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>March 2012</strong></font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Algebra I</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Better conversation skills </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">100% in 9<sup>th</sup> grade English</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Writing is hugely improved </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">School from 10 am- 2:45pm , 4 classes</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Riding the bus home from school</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Age appropriate except when fatigued or sick.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It wasn’t enough just to have Maddi back in school struggling with huge holes in her learning. We wanted to make sure that she regained all of her past knowledge and skills. It has taken a lot of hard work and time to go through all of the curriculum but leaving holes in her learning would just set her up to fail. We want her to return to school full time confident and armed with the skills and tools to learn. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Fatigue is still an issue but her stamina is improving. This is a slow process. To give you an idea of how this works think of how you work with a toddler who has just learned to walk. Just because he or she is walking well doesn’t mean that you throw out the stroller and set out for a 3 mile hike. Most people bring the stroller a long for a while until the toddler refuses to use it for an entire day long outing. Fatigue for Maddi is all about providing very calculated exposure to stretch her abilities while being able to accept when things are not a good fit for her.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">These days the pasty white fatigue face is seen mostly at night and after a long involved day. She is able to hang out with friends for hours on end and, for the most part, seems pretty much an average 14 year old. Although,she does much better with a small group rather than the chaos of huge numbers.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have hesitated to put much of this journey on the blog because there are some truly cruel people in this world that take a lot of pleasure in using this kind of information in very unkind ways. People are quick to judge and decide what we “should” do without any of the context and experience that this particular journey provides.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Traumatic Brain Injury is a game changer! </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am truly grateful for the people <em><font size="2">(you know who you are!)</font></em> who have been there every step of the way. These people have listened to our struggles, helped us problem solve, and given encouragement when we couldn’t find it ourselves. They helped us be patient in the newness and they helped us find a kind gentle place to be where the differences were not an issue. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The transition our family has been through has been huge! The shifts in thought, priorities and perspectives have been difficult for each of us personally and as a collective. Traumatic Brain Injury doesn’t go away and the affect doesn’t stop with Maddi. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Our family is still in a serious stage of change,not only from the accident but the stage of life we are at. We, as parents want to circle the wagons to try and rebuild at the exact time most of our children are ready to leave the nest. T</font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">he combination has been an interesting ride!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi’s memory is amazing considering the severity of her injury but she has needed to rebuild all of those relationships around her, with siblings, friends and other family members. The past memories are there but they don’t translate into “now” memories. It is like her new brain has to verify the authenticity of those memories and relationships with new experiences. I don’t really understand all the reason why but you can imagine the difficulty of that journey in a family.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We have been extremely deliberate about how time is spent and we have been careful to be sure the environment is conducive for <em><font color="#ff0000">POSITIVE</font></em> interactions. Traumatic Brain Injury often breeds a negative outlook on life, anger, helplessness and depression. Keeping things positive and slowly building the foundation of learning and relationships helps keep the negativity out of her slowly recovering mind.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">When Maddi wrote the words in her song; “Having to relearn everything is hard and kind of frustrating.” That was a foreshadowing of her journey. She not only had to relearn academic and functional skills but…………</font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Emotional aptitude and social and familial structures. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Conflict resolution</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The art of negotiation and seeing from an outside perspective </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">To protect herself from the insecurity and meanness found in Jr. High and High School without becoming bitter</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">To gauge if a person is trustworthy and a true friend without losing her belief in the goodness inside each person</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">To deal with disappointments and manipulation and still find a way to take risks and trust that the world is good</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">To delay gratification and that life is about being content with what IS….. Not what should be.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">That is a lot to learn at a time when the struggles are invisible and the expectation is that we should just move on. Time is required and having the best long term out come is the target.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Our goal for Maddi is that she will have the<font color="#ff0080"> <font size="5">skills</font></font>, <font color="#0000ff" size="5"><em>confidence</em></font> and <font color="#ff8040"><font color="#ff8040" size="5">ability</font></font> to dictate her own life and choose what makes her happy and surround herself with people who love and accept her without reservation regardless of the residual effects of her Traumatic Brain Injury. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Not only has Maddi worked hard but here is a shout to the rest of the team….. brothers, sister, close friends and family. THANKS! It has not been easy and you all need some recognition for your dedications and patience too! You are <font color="#ff0000" face="Bradley Hand ITC">EXTRAORDINARY,<font color="#008040"> it has been a TEAM EFFORT!</font></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Are we finished yet….No, but it is amazing to see what can happen in a year!</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-79829692553608349202012-02-06T11:18:00.001-07:002012-02-06T11:18:51.007-07:00Smiling and Happiness<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The funny thing about a Traumatic Brain Injury (at least Maddi’s) is that many of the things that you used to do by default you have to consciously focus on and remember to do. Early on facial expressions had to be taught, practiced and reviewed. There are so many subconscious subroutines running in the background of our minds that with Traumatic Brain Injury have to be relearned. In the process of this work I came up with a quote that I have to say is pretty good! I don’t know if it is entirely original because I do read a lot but I thought I would share.</font> <p><b><i><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“The expression you use most often when you are young will be etched in the lines of your face when you are old.”</font></i></b> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Life leaves its mark and the only thing we can control is how we react or respond to what is going on. Sometimes it is hard to smile when the clouds completely hide the sun from view, but knowing the sun is behind the scenes helps me to be patient while the storms resolve.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have felt great moments of frustration and even anger for the resulting chaos after the accident. I have tried to stay positive because negativity never helps. Some days I am better at this than others. I want the background music of my life to be happy and peaceful but some days the heavy, grating, electric guitar that I despise takes over. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">When the need arises with my kids you will hear me say; “Let’s bicker and fight about it because it <i>always</i> makes things better.” laced in sarcasm. In this situation I amend that statement to; gripe and complain. Nothing productive ever comes from idle complaining.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have to be careful not to focus too much on the things that have been forever changed. Knowing that life is about the journey not a destination helps keep thing in perspective. Change is the rule not the exception.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Appreciation and Gratitude helps to balance the scale. Stacking up all your troubles and sorrows like metal weights on an old fashioned scale with one side being labeled as heartache and sorrow and the other blessings and joy, sometimes the sorrow tray hits bottom and things feel heavy. If you carefully and purposefully lay out each blessing, tender mercy, kindness and love on the other side, I often find that instead of balancing out, the scale leans in the joy direction instead.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I hope that the lines on my face will show my constant effort to focus on the happiness and joys of life. Time will tell.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-79642247896165048752012-02-02T11:56:00.001-07:002012-02-02T12:39:08.519-07:00Unfinished Business<p><font face="Century Gothic">I know this is crazy but when I see or hear about the kids in my class during the 2010-2011 school year I have this weird empty feeling like I forgot something important. I have always had this physical response to unfinished business which kindly keeps me from procrastinating but in this situation it is frustrating. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I was going through photos and came upon one of the Halloween party with my class. Seeing their faces left me longing to have seen the empty spaces where teeth should have been and longing to better know the cute little personalities that I expected to spend a year with. It reminded me of the journey of reading, math and writing that I didn’t get to guide them on. The fun new art projects I had planned still sitting in the cue waiting completion. The fun songs that we would sing ring in my mind, and my heart aches a little bit.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I love what I am doing and I am content. I know I was and I am exactly where I should be, but I still think of each of those sweet kids and I feel kind of robbed. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">Crazy I know.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-66603921834257260602012-01-31T09:56:00.001-07:002012-02-01T00:13:03.646-07:00Sisters<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As I was desperately and failingly trying to fade into the beautiful, simplicity of sleep, pictures of friends and family visiting at the hospital kept flooding over me; one after another,(think slide show). It was like a flood gate bursting. Finally, here I am, an hour later to try to put those pictures into words. If I were to detail each of those snippets of time in one blog post, I am afraid the length would be a disadvantage. So, I decided to share the details of my memories just with sisters. Three specific moments that kept coming back to me tonight. </font> <p><b><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Brooke and Maddi</font></b> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Brooke and Maddi are about as different as you can get in personality but in many ways they are kindred in their hearts. Growing up they had their usual sister rivalries, fights, irritation and disagreements and I am sure there will be more. When Maddi regained the use of her voice, one of the first words she said was “Brook-ee”. I can’t say for sure because I wasn’t inside Maddi’s head but the fact that she spent the huge effort to find the word, make the sounds and <i><u>repeatedly</u></i> say “Brook-ee” indicated a deep love for her sister during a time that Maddi was unable to do or say anything it is a true measure of sisterly love.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Brooke is the quiet type; she keeps to herself mostly, unless she is talking about History, Art or Historical Sewing. She uses her daily allotment of words in beautiful writing. Brooke is a little quirky, in High School, she liked to wear mismatch socks and shoes, her favorite pair were Converse with one yellow and one black shoe. I don’t think during school, I ever saw her wear a different pair of shoes except at church and only at my insistence. She even wore that pair to her High School Graduation. She wore the heels during the ceremony at my persistent nagging but promptly put on the Converse afterward. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I can’t recall how Brooke came to know that we needed high top shoes for Maddi to help her learn to walk again but on Brooke’s next visit to the hospital, the reciprocal mismatched set of Converse with the familiar black and yellow were dangling from her two fingers. She had a smug little smile on her face and oh how I had missed seeing that smile! As she placed the shoes on the end of Maddi’s bed I saw on each toe had the corresponding directional words; left and right, written in black letters to help Maddi gain some independence in getting her shoes on the corresponding feet. This gift was such a tender expression between sisters.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Brooke spent most of her time at the hospital coloring with Maddi. Maddi, of course had very little fine motor stamina but Brooke would wield the crayons with precision allowing Maddi to color what she could. Maddi’s walls were lined with the product of the quiet, patient love of a sister adding color to a lifeless and less than cheerful place.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of these gifts and the deep meaning buried in each deep colorful stroke and in the soles of those mismatched shoes. Watching Maddi with the “Bumble” given by Brooke, in her arms, grasping tightly to the hand of her older sister for balance, walking slowly and deliberately, hand in hand out to the car with occasional flash of yellow reminded me of the amazing power in the sister bond! I may even have dropped a tear or two, for sure my eyes were brimming and my throat was tight with stifled but still burning emotions.</font> <p><b><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Donna</font></b> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I only have one sister and she is amazing! She and I are very much like Maddi and Brooke, so different but so much the same. Donna came often to the hospital to visit and she sat with Maddi when I had to leave. I am so grateful for her. Each time she came she brought me hope and reality. I can let her into the deepest part of my soul and I know it is safe with her. At the hospital she broke up my days, listened my rambling and helped drive out the isolation I felt.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One particular day, sitting across black metal tables that were better suited for a sunny day with flip flops and bronzed skin, I was introduced to “Sweet Cream” and “Cake Batter” ice cream with candy mixed in at Cold Stone Creamery. It was a little thing and I don’t have any idea what we talked about or the topics that we covered but as the memory came flooding back to me this evening I was struck with how much that meant to me!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Christmas Eve, Donna brought her family to South Davis Hospital and spent that evening with us there. I was living this nightmare and I didn’t want to be there on Christmas Eve and they came with laughter, conversation and gifts and made a party in a sterile, dreary room. Fourteen bodies including Grandma and Grandpa crammed into those same four walls and with the inside jokes that only years can provide I felt that Christmas wasn’t lost. I can’t even begin to explain how much I needed that!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Donna was there when I had to muster up the courage to walk into a room full of 14 experts and staff from South Davis Hospital. She gave me strength to fight that battle for Maddi when conflict resolution makes me want to vomit. She helped me take Maddi out to Chili’s in Salt Lake to save my sanity. It was seriously like a slide show as the memories kept flashing through my mind. All I can say is; Thanks to a loving God, for giving me a sister to share my life with, and thanks Donna for knowing what I needed at a time, when I wasn’t able ask.</font> <p><b><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Julie</font></b> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Julie isn’t my sister in the biological sense but by marriage. DNA doesn’t matter to my heart. Julie came to the hospital every week with her fun kids, they were a great distraction. She brought me understanding and support. We didn’t do anything grand, all we did was talk and play with the kids but it was like bringing the sunshine indoors. It was at Julie’s voice that Maddi first <i>confirm-ably </i>turned her head. I was pretty sure she was turning her head to voice before but the “Julie Head Turn” was undeniable. I can’t remember how many times Julie sat with Maddi in the evenings but, just like with anyone who rendered that simple act of service, it was such a comfort to know that Maddi wasn’t alone. My heart was so torn between Salt Lake City and Logan, not being able to be there for my other kids during a time that was traumatic and extremely difficult left me feeling quite frustrated and helpless. That experience was a journey in its own right, not to mention what was happening at the hospital. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It was after one of Julie’s visits with the kids that Maddi, with her face turned to the wall, attempted a smile at South Davis Hospital. I had to roll her over to get a better view of her face. It didn't work out quite how she had hoped but I was one happy mamma!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One specific day, Julie listened to my, first spoken, heartache over leaving my teenagers at home in Logan. Having my loved ones stretched across 100 miles had taken its toll. I was so busy trying to keep all of the talk around Maddi positive that I hadn’t let myself release my fears and heartaches. Sitting with Julie in the café with its familiar setting, I dropped my first tears outside of my very private sobbing. Those of you who know me will understand the significance. I needed the release and the validation that she was able to give and I knew that she really meant it. She reminded me of what great kids I have and how strong and capable they are. Not that I had any doubts but that particular day I needed to hear it from someone else. She may not remember but my gratitude for that kindness is indescribable. I reflected back to her assurances many times over the following weeks anytime I felt conflicted. Thanks Julie for knowing; just what to say, when to say it and taking the time to be there.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">These are just a sampling of the memories that washed over me tonight. It will take me many blog posts to document all of those moments but the behind the scene moments need to be written. Over and over again during this journey, people have been sent to me at just the right moment. It gives credibility and validity in my belief that the Lord knows us deeply and personally. He is aware of our deepest heartaches, longings and needs. He is ready and able to bless us in specifics even when we can’t ask and he provides those blessings in the exact way that we need it.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">How has your sister blessed your life? </font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-21692825720096604052012-01-01T20:28:00.001-07:002012-01-01T20:29:54.891-07:00Years End<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This blog has encapsulated and documented a huge portion of this journey and has been such a blessing. Especially, as Maddi has tried to piece together the jumbled mess of memories that are in her brain from the early days. Much of this story has remained private and there are so many sacred experiences that I haven’t been able to share. This journey has changed us forever in so many ways, we hope and feel for the better. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We have been blessed beyond our ability to even hope for. I hope that in some way your life has been touched by following our story. <strong><em>I would love to hear how you have been blessed and the miracles you have been given.</em></strong></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I intended this post to be the blogs end, but as I have let that idea simmer I have felt a pulling to continue. I love to reflect with gratitude on the blessings and the miracles but I actually don’t spend much time thinking about the details of the past because it isn’t all that helpful in the <em>NOW</em>. But every so often a memory wakes me from my sleep and I find myself again in the storytelling mode. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In this defining time we have learned:</font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">God knows and loves each of us individually not just as a collective whole.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">God hears and answers all prayers, even the ones you are afraid to ask for.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">God is aware of our struggles and know exactly how to provide for us, emotionally, spiritually and physically.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We are stronger than we think and things are never as bad as we fear them to be and even if they are, we will make it through it.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> </p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYufCHQnf4t66PiWNDsfhp4SoxsVAkdOt3Uc_ORP-0vv5FynISAlXh0zz1zkD_leZlwd0LtypqxEGX1vIKCuZ_boC9BeCDAh4yK10MBTBBPNd8UzM0HLCMgsaa3E1wIXv86p9nk3c08tw/s1600-h/IMAG0075%25255B9%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="IMAG0075" border="0" alt="IMAG0075" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSxtgoL_OQ0OxawommrTDY3VPYszfXFJ6KahXIZQ_ii0u2ng07CfTFUQidu5DTaRoYNURtYFNSDhuSCWxZz1KnGJFDL8ablXXGPVeWAX1kuHVvoLut2SQI4eO4oMmncORWa25jvNK4vBc/?imgmax=800" width="221" height="244"></a></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> </p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMvyulwOubMq1XYH-dOApV3v2Xul3gLKzf-xBsVus5bNirg0MDhbBbWY5AbRvPMi4ErwYrNHAYGJ2H4H2EprRzM4cD-L1TcmgiQb6S9nYN46Hpik2QTFjuCbvUlv-VxLcWIkoG9ZpbnJ4/s1600-h/IMAG00758.jpg"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="IMAG0075" border="0" alt="IMAG0075" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF7y_dYMSUu8Q6bjyiobiEbXW9PdYs1Geair7m3kMX8TOkDhzlcO52z6tXNav0a2O8yv3sB53UZm4QjEnMaMJ8S5rVjC9eudQ5OYzKSkOs9AA1WBh4K_gZlTvLIF5cQb5yl0gNR-UarNE/?imgmax=800" width="456" height="224"></font></a></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Christmas 2010- No talking, walking, eye contact or smiling.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">************************************************************</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5JFkUXAk3B1VDu3238hQhhkMNojQDjBjnhYEWIOG3CT_mSY54uivMdJdSyf3n73yTqonOY92ttd7jX3B3JqzCYhCtajPwMWoBS9hjOTume4bV_Pi4xZfbuHzS9e_mB65-tkK04h9kRZk/s1600-h/IMG_20110727_171009%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="IMG_20110727_171009" border="0" alt="IMG_20110727_171009" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz6Urr6MTSk9JFjE-vr0q2ZKAtRa7dba6j1NTGComFwdk4qMWmDOxf1S0OWwWpE9pdGmSKNUQ9aSqOdrrOz5TrecYdtWaE4bIT3bqfTEqn6TdE-2Hz_8XL3kpJ2AignRnoXjAc85xoZNg/?imgmax=800" width="183" height="244"></a></font></p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2d_kAk1zzBcvK8sa_ppfofgtk-w7QjE40Jj1tR44GMlVp_N9XW3VsSY_i9f3l01VrNSyBMA-GXpPS778Y5jmum9cW-BAH-A9VcLmH3yXYf7MirpZOkOS7H80d8xqq5OhizgFlItasv2A/s1600-h/IMG_20110727_171009-16.jpg"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="IMG_20110727_171009 (1)" border="0" alt="IMG_20110727_171009 (1)" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIHPrZ6tOq9Ua2S7PnxMUhmVjwbrqNzvutYCUfdPvLoEc3Jg0_lSwjCSsqbpRoptR2YJgey156fDqckQJluGU3TNN2M-bD-HYYQivV7NW4UtFuuT4GWgSEV2ShfAkFwAgGs0rFvHWDu6s/?imgmax=800" width="450" height="215"></font></a></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">July 2011….. Getting there, little by little. Learning to use facial expressions, she is walking, talking, laughing and smiling.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">**************************************************************</font></p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyzuv1wQjVM3mBFsHJrFsCeHV5-km3bdkZuw086n1iCwrQETeiHJqxSYlw2JBJcHBV3P1NXv0tXWQB0HEAQCkjy9vOz0jC5jyxlIIgtcb3xb_3KLP5XSCcaGL7XraAVYJylSYW4bLgBG0/s1600-h/DSC_2482%25255B7%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_2482" border="0" alt="DSC_2482" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieaGXjuHv6-oOcL_EU9PbJWaH1dOoQRafXyM5KuimOgqdxMNl1UfRThJJJNMowASaNhNDfS-5DYBo_AtiDgzmXKWcg25ETSsMaGJtSahHsgDJQr4axj309EmTbMM4YFKCkA6fpc-muIzM/?imgmax=800" width="143" height="244"></a></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> </p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizUyvp8YLavooyL9zLXC1Dmyr_157e-YeSDMBjMMh_BoXsQPCwFBFt8cEMKkOVVLj49Bf8KSpl7cBxGbbvUVjAXNRUeVpRlOmPzFMz2U01crvajL3mAMF6lsvcGvj2VxpVcUbvdEco5dI/s1600-h/DSC_248210.jpg"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><img style="background-image: none; border-right-width: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="DSC_2482" border="0" alt="DSC_2482" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj30PpZFwfXIS33qcyN7mJe4g7GltzOqed9IUuXXPHTVfq2nqAJ60p1w5ZBq-Dv5-AfbmkW6PZdZ6HlepAd5ahLEw9bxrLhOUJy-5NyLQ3h4eSu9Afs5U7EAN4UfL-FWz5cmujfhBgmkuA/?imgmax=800" width="455" height="201"></font></a></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Christmas 2011……….can you see the improvement in just a few short months? Happy New Year!</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We are so truly blessed!</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-51552158072014133262011-12-27T16:50:00.001-07:002011-12-27T23:57:41.718-07:00“She is Mine……..First”<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I learned my one of my most valuable life lessons at the side of a teeny tiny infant Isolette almost 20 years ago. I can actually bring up a picture of the place in my mind and the reaction in my soul is recreated, in better than 3D resolution. This lesson has been foundational for me throughout my life but especially during the early and lingering moments with Maddi and her recovery. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">All those years ago, as I peered at my eldest daughter through the shiny plastic, longing to snuggle her I was overcome with anger and a stubborn resolve to get her well. I just had the worst conversation with the doctor stating that they had never had an infant as young as my daughter survive that particular respiratory illness. She was 7 days old when she fell ill and RSV was little known at that time. He said that I needed to prepare myself. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I foolishly and in a frenzy fueled by fear and despair had a very grown up tantrum right there with the doctor. I don’t remember but I can visualize the poor doctor walking away shaking his head at my denial and at his own regret. After my ill-timed melt down I was left in the dim lights of the Infant Intensive Care Unit staring down in disbelief at the, should be pink, girl I so desperately longed to get to know. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">At that moment in the humming quiet, I heard without question…. “She is Mine……..First”. I not only heard it but I felt it throughout every cell in my body that God’s claim trumped mine no matter how much I loved that tiny little soul. I felt much like I envision the water obeying God’s will……automatic, no disputation, no recourse. I was lovingly put in my place. It was such a profound…. “Every knee shall bow moment”. Even now as I write that manifestation reoccurs.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In a misguided attempt to enforce my faith to keep my daughter alive I found myself face to face with the fact that I had absolutely no control. I had been taught all of my life, “Ask and Ye Shall Receive” and “if the desire is righteous nothing will be kept from you” “IF you have enough faith, righteousness, or if you are willing to sacrifice……….” Blah, blah, blah (pardon my disrespect). All of this was taught with the accompanying “If it be thy will” clause but at that moment, the fine print seemed the size of a roadside billboard.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I was chastised and reminded that God….<strong><em><font size="5">is</font></em></strong> the Father and I cannot force, beg, plead or negotiate with his will. No amount of faith, obedience, good works, endurance or sacrifice can have any effect on the will of God. I also learned that as protective and possessive as I was with <em>“my”</em> newborn daughter, she really wasn’t mine. She was HIS first and I was blessed enough for any amount of time I had with her. I had to be willing to let her go and “Be Still and Know that He is God”. That was a humbling moment for me, one that has since framed in my life.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Once I did let go with my whole heart and allowed myself to be in full compliance without any reservation or bitterness, my daughter began to heal. It was not a coincident that she began to improve…..it was by divine design so I could identify, recognize and remember.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As my life progressed that lesson became an anchor during many other trials. It was invaluable during the numerous miscarriages I experienced while trying to have children. I miscarried many more than the four children I have been blessed to raise. Each time as I found myself mourning a birthday that should have been, I was strengthened by the plural form of “She is Mine………First”.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As I struggled at times with my ability to parent effectively, the knowledge from that moment taught me that I had a divine resource to help me in that sacred opportunity. I also gained a valuable insight that these sweet children were my literal brother and sisters before this life. I was meant to be a mentor, not a dictator and it wasn’t about me. I could not accept their achievements, successes or triumphs as my own. I could celebrate with them and be a support when they needed it. I could correct and guide but not overpower. I could influence the structure and opportunities to help them on their way but their personalities and preferences were determined long before I entered the equation and dedicated 9 months to the development of a body for those souls.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Last year, as I once again stood at the bedside of one of my children on the cusp of life and death, the lesson learned all those years ago still proved true. From the very beginning of Maddi’s recovery, I never asked for a miracle, not because I didn’t want one but because I knew if that was God’s will it would be so. God knew the desire of our hearts; we prayed and asked for the strength and peace to be content with HIS will regardless of the outcome.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The day I whispered in Maddi’s ear with tears choking my words, </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“We love you and want you here, but if you can’t get well, go with Jesus,” </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I could hear the echo in my mind, </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“She is Mine…… First” </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">and each of my cells reacted once again.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am so humbled and overwhelmed that we were graced with such a miracle and mercy. We are blessed for the deeply sacred nature of our experience. I am so grateful that God in his infinite wisdom walked with me down the original path twenty years ago with my pride and willfulness only to help me find a contrite spirit and willing heart in the form of a life lesson. I know I couldn’t have gone into this last year without all the years of practice and for that I am not only grateful but truly blessed to know;</font> <p align="center"><font size="5" face="Century Gothic"><strong>“She is Mine……..First”</strong></font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-42634102653964195122011-12-22T13:48:00.001-07:002011-12-22T22:37:22.984-07:00Random Evidences of God and OCD<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">22 December 2011</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I just cleaned out my hairbrush and I saw it as an evidence of God’s Love…. I am driven to remove every small hair out of the tines. I was chastising my OCD nature by saying…..”it isn’t like I am going to kill someone and they will be looking for my DNA.”</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">That led me to the thought that God actually used his magnificent resources to create an individual so unique that even down to the smallest part it is identifiable. How amazing is that. There have been more people born than I can even number and each one is unique! That is a testament that God loves INDIVIDUALITY.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is way more efficient to mass produce things, God didn’t do that with our mortal shells……. He made them unique in its smallest part. Talk about OCD……maybe that trait isn’t a negative after all, maybe it is a divine quality.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">**************************************************************</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Of course my genius children bring up the points that could argue my observation, like identical twins or DNA anomalies but I stand firm in my personal interpretation of the data, putting those issues in the outlier position.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Must go…… I have started a heated debate, I need inspiration or perhaps, desperation to defend my case. </font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-14848436252415017932011-12-17T04:07:00.001-07:002011-12-17T04:08:47.715-07:00A Link to Someone New<blockquote> <h3><font face="Century Gothic"><font style="font-weight: normal">I stumbled upon another blog that described a Traumatic Brain Injury so uniquely and it had a Christmassy theme so I thought I would share, I was entertained. The author is a stranger to me but is no stranger to Traumatic Brain Injury as she is a survivor as well.</font></font></h3> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I did not write the following and I give full credit to Kara Swanson for her humor and universal ability to bring home an idea that fits for every human being, TBI survivor or not</font>.</p> <h3><a title="http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/" href="http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/">http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/</a></h3> <h3><a href="http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/">Kara Swanson's Brain Injury Blog</a></h3> <h4>December 2, 2011</h4> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Below is the post to read. I hope I am not breaking some kind of cyber copy write law. I don’t claim any authorship just appreciation.</font></p> <h5><a href="http://karaswanson.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/rudolph-rocks-that-kick-ass-blinking-nose/">Rudolph Rocks That Kick-Ass Blinking Nose</a></h5></blockquote> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-47487146515349310302011-12-14T13:58:00.001-07:002011-12-14T13:58:25.552-07:00Holiday Reflections<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I know that it has been a year since the accident and that Maddi is doing amazing but my mind keeps coming up with things to blog about, most are not directly about Maddi but mostly about how we are coping with the huge change in our life. I think that if there is ever a universal theme among people it would be our need to adjust to change</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that everyone is going through something that they didn’t plan for. When we all sat down and did our itinerary for life, I don’t think we could conceive what this life would really be like. It doesn’t take a huge motor vehicle accident to derail people’s souls bringing despair, discouragement or feelings of helplessness. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Sometimes it is just the day to day living of things. With a Traumatic Brain Injury, it is a life long journey, just like every other struggle out there. </font> <blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“Time passes quickly but sometimes the days are long in living it.” </font></p></blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Some days are amazing and some are just plain dull and really not that much different from before. We just have different struggles now. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This season always brings out deeper feelings of compassion and reflection. Families are looking for ways to make Christmas more meaningful and less commercial, I know that we are, but in the background often times this season also brings out the fear of not measuring up. Not just with the gifts under the tree or with the family gatherings that leave us wishing for stronger ties… or fewer depending on your situation, but also with accepting who we are and our own capacity.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">During this journey with Maddi, one of my roles is to help her not only accept the newness and strangeness of her brain but to celebrate the greatness of it. Being a walking miracle can only fill your cup so far. You still have to live in your own skin and sometimes with a traumatic brain injury you feel like you are being held hostage. Learning to be happy with who you are now, is all about acceptance……. but isn’t that the journey for EVERYONE?</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wish I was able to; take more risks, speak well, be more social, keep my mouth shut more often and be more assertive. My drive to do the right things for the right reasons sometimes has a habit of fostering impatience with my own shortcomings and outright misguided decisions. Accepting myself requires that I am OK with my; cautious nature, avoidance of conflict, verbal impulsiveness and deep love for people but in smaller groups. This journey with Maddi has taught me to be more accepting with my own limitations because as with any good teacher you can’t teach what you don’t already know.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The American Dream is one of perseverance and rising above any and all obstacles to reach your potential. This ideal brings tears to our eyes when we see the red, white and blue or hear a rousing patriotic tune. It is the ultimate “You can be whatever you choose” message. Sometimes this message breeds a sense of dissatisfaction because our expectations were grandiose. Being able to do anything you dedicate and set your mind to, is great, but only if it is tempered with reality that you <b>CAN</b> do <i>anything</i>, not to be confused with <b><i>should do everything</i></b>. It is easy to detail out all the attributes we should have, but it is rare to find them all in one person and to develop those attributes takes many years to attain.</font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have friends that are amazing at fashion, design and decorating….. I am more about function than beauty but I sure wish I could rock some awesome high heeled shoes without feeling like a poser.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I deeply admire my friends who can take a conflict head on without agonizing about it afterward. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I want so badly to throw a party without fighting the need to vomit during the preparation stage. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">More than anything I wish I could be that peacefully, calm, fully refined person but there aren’t enough drugs in this world to slow this brain. </font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">But for every one of those attributes that I do NOT possess I have the core opposites which are the exact traits that make me so….…ME.</font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am always looking for the function and the best organization for effectiveness whether in my home or in my profession, maybe my profession has something to do with the need for sensible shoes.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My need for harmony between people and being a problem solver should not be put on the “con” list. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The same thing that causes the deep, internal agony during conflict leads me to love deeply and without reservation. I have never met a person I can’t love, I just need enough time to understand them. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My impatience and impulsive nature keeps me in motion and helps me constantly seek for better and to think outside of the box. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It also provides me deep understanding and empathy for the people who don’t fit the mold because I am one of them. </font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Sometimes it is <b><i><u>better</u></i></b><u> to play to your strengths</u>. Playing to our strengths allows us to be who we are meant to be. I am not talking about sitting back, being comfortable and not putting forth any effort. I mean, be specific on our desired outcomes and use all our best gifts to achieve them and work around our weaknesses just like I am trying to help Maddi do.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The most successful people work within their genius not outside of it! There are as many personalities in the world as there are people; each one is just as valuable as the other. Each personality has its strengths and weaknesses and that is entirely by design at the hand of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who can help us see ourselves from their eternal perspective. I am grateful to know that perfection is not a prerequisite to be loved by my Heavenly Father or others around me. It brings me peace to know that conformity is not the end game. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Hopefully, the holidays will bring us feelings of hope, contentedness and peace rather than alternative. Maybe being more accepting with ourselves and each other we can find that Peace on Earth that is promised. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Perhaps we can recognize those melancholy feelings as longing for our Heavenly home and the arms of our Savior rather than a personal failing. The angels promised;</font> <blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> “Good tidings of great joy…….. The Prince of Peace.” </font></p></blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">If there was one thing that this journey with Maddi and her traumatic brain injury, has taught me is that <b>we are enough</b>! </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">God needs and loves EACH one of us in our diversity and imperfections. The birth, life and death of our Savior allows us be just that….. <strong><em><font color="#ff0000">ENOUGH!</font></em></strong></font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-54380121447574144062011-11-25T20:40:00.001-07:002011-11-25T20:40:28.951-07:00A Year of Progress<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is black Friday, the anniversary of “that day” as Maddi put so beautifully in her graduation song. For those of you who have been with us from the beginning, thank you for following along and praying for us; and for those just finding this blog enjoy the journey. We are blessed by a loving God…. and amazing family and friends. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">There is no way to even begin to describe our feelings today so I won’t even try. </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> <strong><em><font color="#0000ff">Grateful……. Blessed………Loved</font></em></strong></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> A picture is worth a thousand words.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Where we have been:</strong></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWtKDznuKVHr7kWOu1qxulJQ17z9jUaP-Pk6I03hhBPe7ernY8Zmwz8Pbj8tA3dRXAdsKBcAiiaUYeU8zAlZBbLJenX1Ss_eFyl99XNgoVcYbr_LN_jrRxBgXQYVQIr5Kcxt17wCs-Uec/s1600-h/IMAG0006%25255B4%25255D.jpg"><img style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; display: inline; border-top: 0px; border-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px" title="IMAG0006" border="0" alt="IMAG0006" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1Cs35_S6Qo4bXryE74Fw7qbEnvEtaT4kV4OScdbDpg2fyYGrrJi7ICk_VMUr_tiWOMtABnwF1z6siFn8Zd5BmldQnzfk60mwengY8P45E9L2HxHGNieiMnS4MHvNSUywbwgxgT-GA2-c/?imgmax=800" width="339" height="227"></a></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">November 26,2010</font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">3 weeks in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Primary Children’s Hospital</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">2 weeks in Transitional Care at South Davis</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">4 weeks in the Neuro-Trauma Unit/ Inpatient Rehab</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">65 days in the hospital and that was the easy part.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Where we are now:</strong></font></p> <p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZzmHSL1zrfRliuraKsS_pSOK9TIWFfMYW7aJOrtU9lw5dnrDIsSAbAb8ploiF_WYR9X3wYRkd_2xHKlNNRIsNEXK2titXomgER7HwwJ9H0LgTDUJ_Hp6-_UwX7gnlHfH3otCA9uPsTNg/s1600-h/DSC_2422%25255B8%25255D.jpg"><img style="display: inline" title="DSC_2422" alt="DSC_2422" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQ2l4pXf3hoiLte5_UW6BqX1MD0lS5w5rWhKLA0yG7XKOvC0DLUYl1VV0o-75H0jTI0j2T23YXqarw7u0eR9-kN4az1P0KogmRSCnvAHbtbMGI8HxpBuKNpXbP8AuOc5UksxT3iKIq0M/?imgmax=800" width="374" height="251"></a><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">November 2011</font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Walking, Talking, Thinking, Singing, Laughing</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Ballroom Dancing</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Writing, Reading, Learning</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Continuing to improve!</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Looking and Feeling Good, Our Life is blessed! <strong>Challenging, Yes…………. Impossible, NO!</strong></font></p> <p><strong><font color="#ff0000" size="4" face="Century Gothic"><em>Life is in the now and the future, not in our past!</em></font></strong></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-55352113069577934622011-11-17T16:17:00.001-07:002011-11-17T16:39:48.811-07:00Schooling and Reason<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have had many questions regarding Maddi’s schooling in what she is doing, how she is recovering and why she is only in school part time. I hope my post about her testing cleared up most of those questions but I don’t think it adequately described what school looks like for Maddison. Just be warned that education is my passion and it is multi-faceted without a brain injury. What we are doing now is intrinsically related to what we have done previously. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Before I share, I want to be clear that I firmly believe that each parent is divinely equipped to know and understand the needs of each of their children, disabled or not. Just because we chose this route doesn’t mean that we believe that it is the only way to go. Our choice is just that….. ours. When it comes to home school vs. public school, it seems to bring out the monster in people needing to validate their own choice.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am or was (I don’t know which) an Educator for 12 years in public school. I believe that education is a very personal choice. As an educator I have a better than average understanding of the complexities of public school and different learning environments. So, if you are from the home school camp…. I love you. If you are from the public school camp…. I love you. Let’s not look for reasons to be divided! Please don’t categorize my explanation as lack of support for the public school system. I am a realist and know what can be done in the public school environment given the available resources.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The following quote sums up very well how important personal perception is for ANY student, not just Maddi.</font> <p><font color="#ff0000" size="4" face="Century Gothic">Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” <br>― </font><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/9810.Albert_Einstein"><font color="#ff0000" size="4" face="Century Gothic">Albert Einstein</font></a> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">That being said here is what we are doing with Maddi’s education and our reasons.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi goes to public school for two class periods each day at the Junior High. Last spring Maddison went to school for 4 class periods. Fatigue was her worst enemy then and it still is now. Last year after spending most of her day at school Maddison had very little energy or focus left to do any homework. The amount work coming home was enormous. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi is and always was a high achiever and a dedicated student. We would spend hours studying. She would never give up; she had to complete it all and it had to be correct. Many times the work did nothing to help her retain the information but it was assigned so she would do it. Maddi was able to expertly summarize and analyze the same information both verbally and in an essay. In terms of her recovery, the writing did more for her learning by strengthening her executive function and organizational skills. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She was so tired after being at school and completing the work load that there was little time l to continue working on the remediation we had to do at home. She actually ended up with pneumonia during the last 2 weeks of school and I am certain that the illness was a result of pushing her too hard and too fast.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">During the summer Maddi continued working on her math and reading skills. She did amazing! She went from 4<sup>th</sup> grade math curriculum to 7<sup>th</sup> grade math curriculum in those few short months. It took a lot of work and dedication on Maddi’s part. While everyone else was taking it easy, Maddi was hard at work for three hours each day.As summer was coming to a close we spoke to Maddi about how she felt and what her goals were and what she thought she could handle. We were willing to support her decision. She had a really good handle on her own learning and she was able to articulate the stress of going to public school in regards to her brain injury. We decided a couple of elective classes would be enough to foster and maintain friendships and for her that was the only perk of public school.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The conflict between being Maddison’s mother and her teacher is a little crazy but it works out fairly well. Luckily, Maddi is extremely driven to improve and is not afraid of hard work. Thank heaven I have a Bachelor’s degree and almost enough graduate credits for a master’s degree in Education. My graduate credits have been specific to language, learning and brain research which comes in pretty handy if I do say so myself. I have the skills to target specifically the areas that Maddison needs to develop and use data to determine the next steps. We can move as quickly or as slowly as necessary. I have always been more concerned with retention than a letter grade; <strong><em>mastery of the skills</em></strong> is the only grade that counts. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddison gets one-on-one feedback in real time when she is making errors and she can correct them on the spot. It is so much more effective than doing an entire assignment incorrectly only to get the feedback several days later when she can’t recall the cause of the errors at all. Maddi’s struggles in her math are based in her impulse control, sequencing and procedural or executive function skills. Her writing is slow to start but with the correct pre-writing organization to provide the right structure she does amazing. Learning new and connecting old information is going well but still takes dedication on her part.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">At home, we are focusing on Math, Science, History and Writing. We spend an hour doing each of the first three topics and then use writing as an accountability and critical thinking piece for Science and History. Writing essays, comparisons, analysis and summaries based in the content taught in those two subjects provides plenty of information and ideas for writing. Providing her learning in this way also increases her retention and understanding as well. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is difficult to definitively determine where the holes are in her memory so we started with basic Science with the plan to move into biology. In History we are doing Ancient World history based on the Utah State Core Curriculum for 9<sup>th</sup> grade students.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It has been great fun for me to learn the ancient world stuff because I have absolutely no recollection of learning about it in school but that could be related to age. It has been almost 30 years since I was in 9<sup>th</sup> grade. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It takes a bit of preparation on my part to have read the information and come up with a plan before I teach Maddi. Our debates, conversations and essay topics are appropriate to the history as it has been presented not just from my own perspective.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi is able to read and understand more complicated information than her actual grade level. She is a slower reader than she was by a huge measure but the fluency rate or speed doesn’t change with less complicated text. She reads at the same pace regardless if she is reading Junie B. Jones or Homer’s Odyssey. Her understanding is amazing and not impaired at all.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We are using textbooks that my other children used in their AP history class at the high school. I chose that route mainly because the book was already available and as I was researching textbooks, the common consensus among educators and textbook reviewers was; going slower through a well written, concise upper level text is better than cruising through the watered down versions used in Junior High and High School especially if the reader has advanced reading skills which Maddi has.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This is what Maddi’s day looks like:</font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">7:30- 8:45 Get Ready, Breakfast, Journal, Reading</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">9:00-11:30 Public School</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">11:30- 12:15 Lunch and Break</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">12:15-3:15 Science, History, Math and Writing at home </font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Of course there are cognitive breaks planned throughout that time to prevent cognitive fatigue from setting in.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Reasons for Home School</strong></font> <ol> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One on one specific instruction</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Reduced stimulation and distraction</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Automatic feedback (extremely important)</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Individual pacing</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Breaks can planned without missing any instruction</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Less fatigue, more time, extra- curricular activities, more time with friends</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">No need for accommodations by teachers at public school, they have their hands full already!</font></div></li></ol> <p align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">T</font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">he biggest factors used to help us decide on Maddi’s schooling were: </font> <ul> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Effectiveness of the learning during public school time. </font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Could the school provide the opportunities to rewire and strengthen newly developing pathways.</font></div></li> <li> <div align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Available appropriate and socially subtle supervision to prevent incorrect pathways from being developed.</font></div></li></ul> <p align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I know that seems really technical but practicing a new skill over and over again incorrectly is less than desirable for a regular kid but for student with a brain injury, you run the risk of never being successful in teaching the skill correctly.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The other main reason for doing the majority of Maddi’s school at home came from Maddi’s preference. Prior to the accident she always liked school. Maddi couldn’t wait to go back after returning home from the hospital but she quickly recognized the reality of the discrepancy between what she needed and what was available at the public school. She still loved going to school but she is an advanced student and they love to learn. I suspect the discrepancy will continue to lessen over time but this recovery time cannot be squandered in an ineffective way.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">For the math buffs out there here it is; which is greater 50% or 90-100%?</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Public School Setting and Pace</strong></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">50% retention and understanding= unacceptable! If that was all Maddi could do, I would be fine with that but she is capable of far more.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi understands and retains 50% of presented grade level (improved from 30%) material at the given pace at school. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">50/100 = a less than educated student. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She required extensive re-teaching to filter through superfluous material and to rectify the confusion created from too much information in one setting and cognitive fatigue.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Home Setting and Pace</strong></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">90-100% retention and understanding= exemplary </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Using the same curriculum Maddi understands and retains 90-100% of grade level material as presented over a 2 day period. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Even 90/100 is a well-educated student.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I know that other children struggle in school and the classrooms are filled with kids getting less than 100%. I also know that the schools are doing an amazing job for <b><i>most</i></b> students. Maddi’s situation doesn’t fall into any general category. Her injury requires specialized instruction that even Special Ed. is ill equipped to provide. Teaching her two or three years below her grade level won’t <em><strong>ever</strong></em> help her develop the skills to perform on level, which she is capable of. Boredom and apathy would be the result. Deleting half of the requirements to accommodate her pacing would only leave her lacking. That just leads to more holes in her learning and it sets her up to be ill prepared for the next classes she is required to take.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am dedicated to long term outcomes not just the temporary ones. From the time I saw Maddi laying on that hospital bed with a machine keeping her alive, I had a long term perspective. I knew that if God granted us a miracle that this journey would not be easy. We would be required to make decisions that would not make sense to people who didn’t understand and there are no short cuts. We were looking at a road less traveled. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Robert Frost’s most famous poem illustrates beautifully our decisions for Maddi. I had no desire to travel the road we are on but we “diverged in the yellow wood” that day. I know the choices we make right now will…… “make all the difference”. </font></p> <p> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" width="317"> <tbody> <tr> <td width="315"> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td> </td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">The Road not Taken</font> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,</font></p></td> <td><a name="1"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And sorry I could not travel both</font></p></td> <td><a name="2"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And be one traveler, long I stood</font></p></td> <td><a name="3"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And looked down one as far as I could</font></p></td> <td><a name="4"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">To where it bent in the undergrowth;</font></p></td> <td valign="top"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Then took the other, as just as fair,</font></p></td> <td><a name="6"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And having perhaps the better claim,</font></p></td> <td><a name="7"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Because it was grassy and wanted wear;</font></p></td> <td><a name="8"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Though as for that the passing there</font></p></td> <td><a name="9"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Had worn them really about the same,</font></p></td> <td valign="top"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And both that morning equally lay</font></p></td> <td><a name="11"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">In leaves no step had trodden black.</font></p></td> <td><a name="12"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Oh, I kept the first for another day!</font></p></td> <td><a name="13"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Yet knowing how way leads on to way,</font></p></td> <td><a name="14"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">I doubted if I should ever come back.</font></p></td> <td valign="top"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td> <td><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">I shall be telling this with a sigh</font></p></td> <td><a name="16"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Somewhere ages and ages hence:</font></p></td> <td><a name="17"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—</font></p></td> <td><a name="18"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">I took the one less traveled by,</font></p></td> <td><a name="19"><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC"></font></a></td></tr> <tr> <td> <p><font size="3" face="Bradley Hand ITC">And that has made all the difference.</font></p></td> <td valign="top"><font size="2" face="Century Gothic"></font></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Ultimately, I knew we were in God’s hands and with our hands cooperating with HIS we could do anything. We recognize the great blessing we have been given and we know that it comes from a Heavenly Father who loves us and “ He wants her to succeed”. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">There is a reason Maddi returned, supporting her recovery to help her reach her full potential, brain injury aside, is our God given charge………regardless of the condition of the road.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-89612038803786326542011-10-24T13:51:00.001-06:002011-10-24T13:51:24.499-06:00TBI vs. Dance Competition by Maddi<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Horns blared, cars were packed like Sardines on the road. This is how it feels inside my head when I get over stimulated, except in my head there are six lanes of traffic instead of a one-way road and I can't move. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><i><strong>This is the worst my day will bring</strong>, </i>I think, <i><strong>ballroom competition, here I come!</strong></i></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Finally, we, my parents and I, arrive at the high school. We walk straight to the gym, get our hands stamped, and walk in to the gymnasium.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"> <strong><i>Never mind, </i>I think </strong><i><strong><u>this</u> is the worst my day will bring.</strong> </i></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The gym had bleachers on both sides with a person in each seat. Above the bleachers, in the upper deck, I saw flashes of red, blue, and green, the costumes for the Open routines. Tables were on the back side and the dance floor had rushes of energy on one side and graceful movements, the other. At the on-deck area, dancers were anxiously awaiting their chance to shine. I could tell this was going to be a straining day. It was loud, crowded, and I was sure the florescent lights were going to give me a headache.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We spot my team and walk past rows of people in the bleachers to reach the table. I set my things down and find a seat. I am immediately engulfed in conversation. I had people fixing my hair and my makeup almost instantaneously. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4">There were so many people! My heart pounded loud in my ears adding to the stimulation. <i>It's going to be a late night, </i>I thought, <i>these things always end late.</i></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">When the competition finally started, my friends weaved their way into a sea of black and white. They were so good! The music began and my friends started bouncing with the beat, they were dancing the cha-cha. My heart pounded with excitement. I was positive they would get called back! People were wooping and yelling, cheering and clapping, the noise could have given a deaf man a headache, but that was OK, I needed to support my team.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The music ended and my friends eagerly checked the screen for their call-back, it wasn't there. With long faces, they walked back to our table, “We didn't get called back.” they said.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“Really? I thought you would, you were fantastic out there!”</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The next round of dance began, the music started, and people were cheering for their respective teams. Rounds and rounds of dancing followed. The anticipation was beating on me like a drum . The competition was put on hold for lunch, there were more rounds of dance, and then it was my turn.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My partner and I walked onto the floor. We were in position, the music was blaring, and we started at a syncopated beat. The monster of frustration over-came me, but I kept my cool, we tried to get on beat but it was a complete failure. I knew, deep down in my heart, we would not get called back. When the music ended, my suspicions were confirmed. We walked back to the team's table to watch the hours of dancing to come. Even though, the dance competition was mostly just repetition, it was still extremely fun.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As I was watching, a partnership seemed quite familiar. As I watched that couple more and more, I realized it was Mason, my brother! I searched his back for his number and once it was in view, I began cheering for him with all my heart. His partner's dress looked as though it came right off the screen of a silent movie! It wasn't the uniform black skirt and white shirt that was the requirement for syllabus, it was the uniqueness of the Open competitions.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">All in all, I felt the competition was well worth the over stimulation. Even though, I was tired, it was a success! I mean, I danced, supported my team, and watched Mason get fifth place in the Open Standard. That's a lot to do with a tired and injured brain. What a day! </font> <p><em><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>If this is the worst a dance competition will bring, I will do it over and over again!</strong></font></em></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-36036445808004574742011-10-23T13:45:00.001-06:002011-10-23T13:45:57.538-06:00Post Accident Testing<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We had Maddi’s in depth evaluations in September. I can’t believe we are knocking on the year mark door. Thanksgiving will be here before I even blink! It has taken me a while to figure out how to interpret all the technical terms and testing scores for the laymen reading this blog. I am very familiar with academic and cognitive testing through my profession as an Educator. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One thing I have learned with testing is that it is just one piece of the puzzle. It is information and predictive but not set in cement. I have seen kids who are brilliant but are terrible with follow through. I have seen other kids that work their tails off and outperform some of those spontaneously brilliant people. Testing doesn’t have much to do with REAL life and how things work, effort is the real indicator. Testing gives us information to help make pertinent and intelligent decisions that can influence the desired outcome.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We met with her neuro-rehab doctor and we met with the Neuro –psych doctor as well. It is really hard to explain all the details of these tests. The Rehab tests are the easiest because we could see Maddi perform the physical tasks she was asked to do. For example; stand on one foot, measuring flexibility, heel/toe walking, tiptoe walking, heal walking, follow her finger that sort of stuff.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The Rehab Doctor gave her a once over and proclaimed that Maddi had a “perfect” exam! What that means in laymen terms is that Maddi has successfully recreated or rewired all of the physical pathways from her brain to all the physical parts of her body. She can move her hands and legs; she has regained her balance and her ability to track things with her eyes. She has a delay in processing speed and her fine motor skills are not completely there but many non- TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) people do as well as Maddi on that particular test. I personally would have failed it miserably but I have never asserted that I am normal. So the short story is Maddi’s recovery has been physically MIRACULOUS! </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The Neuro-Psych doctor was a different kind of testing. His specialty is giving test that give information about what is going on inside the brain and how that affects Maddi cognitively, academically and logically. These tests are used to develop an academic plan for Maddi. It took a full day to complete the tests. Her appointment started at 9am and we walked out of his office well after 5 pm. These tests were specific and narrowly targeted. She actually scored extremely well in all areas except Math. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The only tiny detail is that all tests were given in a one-on-one setting with plenty of breaks. This has been a re-occurring theme in figuring out the best way to structure things so Maddi can learn. There are four things that affect Maddi and her abilities; <em><strong>distractors</strong></em>, <strong><em>attention</em></strong>, <em><strong>stimulation</strong></em> and <em><strong>fatigue</strong></em>. If any of these elements are in play her results are hugely different. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Based on these tests; Maddi scores in the <strong>NORMAL</strong> range for every aspect except Math. If you needed proof that God can intervene on your behalf, here it is. If you were wondering if MIRACLES happen today, not just in the “Bible”; Maddi’s recovery is a testament to the reality of miracles and a Living, Loving God in every respect. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I remember vividly wanting to pray for this kind of outcome but I feared I would be asking too much of the Lord. Instead we prayed to be able to accept God’s will in Maddi’s recovery. The only way Maddi was able to score this well based on her injuries is through God’s intervention! </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">There aren’t enough positive <i>“CHANCE”</i> cards on life’s Monopoly board. We <i>“did not pass go, nor collect our 200 dollars” </i>more often than not and we definitely didn’t have a <i>“get out of jail free”</i> card. I don’t believe in coincidences or fate and I don’t believe that we did anything to deserve this great blessing. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This MIRACLE was and will always be, because of God’s mercy and love for us. God, in his goodness, saw us in our time of trial and had compassion on us, just like he did for so many others in his earthly ministry. Faith was the only component needed. I knew God<strong> COULD</strong>, I just didn’t know IF he <em><strong>WOULD</strong></em>. That <em><u>IF</u></em> has been answered with a resounding YES!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Yet, even with this miracle there is work and struggle. Maddi isn’t 100% but she is more than half way there! Gratitude and the Miracle have not erased all indication of the brain injury, perhaps what is left is just enough to keep us from forgetting the MIRACLE.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi’s biggest strength for learning is verbal language. The struggle is the duration of attention and the ability to keep information in her short term memory and retrieve it at the appropriate time. If she gets loaded down with too many things at one time the brain and memory tend to dump it all.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi’s logic is good in the small details but she tends to miss the big picture especially when it isn’t blatantly specified and she is rigid in her approach to problem solving. Learning to alter her approach is needed.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She also struggles with social structures and language. She is very blunt and extremely literal without much tact right now but she will learn. The skills that were the most practiced and unchanging are the ones that have been relatively unaffected by the TBI. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Those skills that are constantly in motion are more difficult. Social things with people, in general, are difficult to navigate, but with teens, specifically the rules seem completely arbitrary with no predictable results. One person can say/do/wear something and it is deemed as “cool” but someone else is seen as inappropriate. How do you teach that? </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi reads, spells and comprehends above a high school level. Maddi was a great reader before and that skill was easily rewired or may not have been affected much by the injury. The experts can’t really explain it. There are big fluency and speed differences that affect how much information she can learn and understand in one sitting. She often uses the information to reference her answers. This is a result of that new and old information paradox. She isn’t sure if what she “knows” is based in the most recent information or if it is something she knew before. It is difficult to “verify” information in that context. It creates uncertainty in her decision making. Besides that little hiccup, Maddi’s short term and long term memory are within the normal range as well. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We are truly blessed to have her testing come out so well even though we understand it is just one blip on the landscape of information about Maddi. It is a MIRACLE for sure. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The most difficult are those four major issues; <em><strong>fatigue, attention, stimulation and distractors</strong></em>. They infiltrate all areas of learning. If she is fatigued her scoring falls to the <u>severely impaired range</u>. </font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Being unable to differentiate between superfluous dialogs in a classroom vs. important information hinders learning in a huge way. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">If the amount of time she is required to attend to a specific topic, task or skill exceeds her “built in” timing the rest of the information tends to fall out of the brain. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Having lots of stimulation requires extraordinary effort on her behalf and that leads to……..fatigue. </font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She had a global (meaning in all areas) Traumatic Brain Injury which has produced global weaknesses but she also has some amazing strengths.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is actually interesting that her strengths and weakness seem to be complementary. It is almost as if for every <i>issue</i> the Lord has provided her a work around; a way to compensate. If I didn’t understand the Law of Opposition before…….. I do now. If she can sort out the HOW then she will be unstoppable in whatever she decides to do. I know this is a lot of mumbo-jumbo but the long and short of it is:</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><b><i>Maddi can learn and be productive in all areas of life</i></b>. She just has to do it a little bit differently with a little more fine-tuned approach, but ultimately she is capable of learning, doing and becoming anything she wants to be. </font></font> <p align="center"><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><strong>Here is the FAQ section.</strong></font></font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Does she still have a Traumatic Brain Injury?</b> Yes, but comparing the outcome to what could have been, we are thrilled with Maddi 2.0. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Is she back to normal?</b> No, she never will be, but she will learn to be effective and productive regardless of the TBI issues. The newness will become normal for her.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Will this ever go away?</b> No, as human beings, we are all designed to adapt and adjust and Maddi is capable of both. Fatigue, stamina, stimulation, attention and distractions will always be a part of her life. Knowing her she will turn them into strengths!</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Can she go to college?</b> Absolutely, but she may take two classes at a time instead of four, not a big deal we have at least 80 years of learning. Why are we always in such a rush? Geesh!</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Does she still have recovery work to do? </b>Yes.<b> </b>But in reality, don’t we all? We are all trying to adjust to our own insides. Learning happens in days, months and years.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><b>Can she go back to school full time?</b> The answer is yes, but would she be able to learn well in that environment right now, no. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She needs time to develop coping strategies and new tolerances for stimulation. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She needs one on one instruction to fully retain the content and she needs extra time to get it in long term memory. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Six hours of daily frustration would just convince her that she is unable.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Re-teaching everything after hours is not an option. </font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> As Maddi’s stamina and skills increase, she will increase her time spent at school.</font></li></ul> <p><font color="#ff0000" size="5" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Life is supposed to be about JOY!</em></strong></font></p> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4">Hopefully, I didn’t create more questions than I answered. Maddi is doing amazing! Life is looking good for her. It has been a long stretch on this road but by taking one moment and step at a time we are further down the path of recovery for Maddi! </font></font> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="5">I personally am glad we are <i>here</i> and not still <i>there.</i></font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Testing Completed…………….Bright Future Ahead!</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-14524859249932132612011-10-16T16:23:00.001-06:002011-10-16T16:24:25.386-06:00Music and the Spirit<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Many times during this journey the Spirit spoke to me, answered my prayers and gave me comfort through music, specifically hymns. I want to document one of those tender moments. First, there is something you need to know about me. My life is lived with a constant backdrop of song and lyrics. I can’t remember a time where music wasn’t a daily function in my life. I am not particularly talented but I love the lyrics which read as poetry to my soul and I love each musical resolution in the chord progressions. In my youth, not to insinuate that I am in any way old, I sang and sang, probably to the complete irritation and annoyance to everyone around me.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I learned to read the written word through the hymn book at church. Each time we sing, “I Need Thee Every Hour”, it reminds me of the astonishment I felt as a tiny little girl when I realized that the first 3 words were all long vowels and that Need and Thee were from the same “family”. Church was hard for me as a kid. I am hyperactive and have never sat well. I am impulsive and have difficulty keeping my mouth shut since I process and experience my world through words. If I was truly listening and understanding I NEEDED to verbally summarize and apply was what being said……not completely appropriate in a quiet setting.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Each Sunday walking dutifully behind my parents I only saw the two leather bound books in my mother’s arms. There were no quiet books, snacks or colorful pictures to capture my attention. The only entertainment was the scriptures and the hymnal. Being a person with a 10 second attention span, the pages and pages of seemingly millions of words found in the scriptures were just abstract works of art done in black and white. I didn’t find the magic in them till I could truly read. The hymnal, at least, had a rise and fall of the notes on the page. There was the top and the bottom and then the lyrics settled beautifully in the middles of the two. I loved that beautiful blue book.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The hours spent on the bench each week truly were agonizing for me. My legs dangling from the bench went numb but it wasn’t respectful to put your feet up, “no sense stepping on Jesus”, yes, I was raised in the Bible belt and there has been some southern Baptist influence. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand the importance. My heart and spirit were “there” I just hadn’t learned to master my body yet and the tingling legs didn’t help. I am sure I felt many ear tugs or “taps” on my head to correct my bad behavior. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Each week, as I recognized more and more words on the page the difficulty of the quiet was filled with the sound of music. For me those lyrics were like an ancient day “Where’s Waldo”. It was like a multisensory learning game. I, not only, started to knit the words together with meaning but as I was “reading” the tune, harmony and melodies would play in the background. It is the same for me today. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Generally, if you were to watch me during the Sacrament, you will see me with my tiny personal hymnal. During the quiet times I read and re-read the lyrics to my favorite hymn. It is always interesting to me that each week I am drawn to different hymns and most often the lyrics are exactly what my heart needs to hear. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">You may be asking yourself what this has to do with Maddisized. I cannot even begin to articulate the number of times during those most difficult days that a hymn would spontaneously and without conscious thought begin to play in my mind with the lyrics complete and in the undeniable, recognized voice of the Holy Ghost. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One of the first songs to occupy that unconscious space was, “Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me” (104). This song has always been a favorite. The familiar and easy melody with its hypnotic harmony made its way into my heart as a teen. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The first verse rang true to me because I could visualize being tossed and thrown against the waves. That was my exact feeling.</font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Jesus, Savior, Pilot me over life’s tempestuous sea.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Unknown waves before me roll, hiding rocks and treacherous shoal.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Chart and Compass came from thee, Jesus Savior, Pilot Me.</em></strong></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My life felt like a dangerous sea that was out to swallow me and my family whole. I had no idea where this journey with Maddi would take us just like the angry waves tossing a helpless boat over its blue canvas. There were too many hidden and dangerous things that I couldn’t see. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">With the PROMISE of direction in the metaphor, “Chart and Compass came from thee”, I knew that Jesus WOULD Pilot me through this journey. Actually, this song is where I came up with the idea to use <u>Journey</u> to signify what we were going through. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wanted a neutral term that would allow me to focus on the positive rather than a word like “accident or tragedy” and I needed a word that signified movement and that this moment was temporary and things would get easier.</font> <blockquote> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>“As a mother stills her child, thou canst hush the ocean wild.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Boisterous waves obey thy will, when thou say’st to them “Be Still”.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Wondrous Sovereign of the sea, Jesus, Savior Pilot Me.”</em></strong></font></p></blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Even though Maddi was “still” and in a coma at the time, I had the deepest desire to comfort, fix and communicate with her. I was desperate to hear her voice or see her eyes. It gave me great hope that if the Lord can hush the wildest ocean and water must obey him then if it was HIS will, Maddi could recover………… and if not, he could hush my metaphorical “ocean wild” and I would obey and I, too, would be still.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The usage of the Sovereign and Wondrous in the last line along with the plea for Jesus to take over at the helm created the deeply personal and internal picture of me relinquishing my boat to his expert care. When the anxiety, fear and despair would creep in I would return to that picture of handing it all over to my Elder Brother who knew me and loved with a love I hope one day to be able to return in kind. I need a great artist to capture that moment for me so I can hang it in a prominent spot in my home.</font> <blockquote> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>“When at last I near the shore and the fearful breakers roar.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Twixt me and the peaceful rest, then while leaning on thy breast.</em></strong></font> <p align="center"><font size="3" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>May I hear thee say to me, I will Pilot thee”.</em></strong></font></p></blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Nearing the shore the waves are sometimes the most dangerous. You have to get through those “breaking” waves to reach your destination. To brave those waves you have to put aside your Fears and take them head on or else you are likely to capsize with your goal within sight. For me, the promise of leaning on the Lord for strength and putting my fears aside felt like manna. I didn’t eat much during that time but spiritually I was on life support for my strength. To further the little video clip going on in my head, the feeling of being held by my Savior and the peace waiting after I rode those terrible waves of recovery….. gave me an incentive and strength to press forward. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In spite of the day to day relevance and the history this hymn has for me there is a story attached. I have a nephew that received his mission call and his “un-farewell” was schedule just shortly (a little more than 3 weeks) after the accident. Maddi was still at Primary Children’s in the Neuro-Trauma Unit. She wasn’t really improving much. She had experience her first bath and John and I were enrolled in a crash course. We were learning the basics for long term invalid care, brain injury and the far reaching adjustments looming in the future. We had endured the worst case scenario and learned that Maddi would live but the <strong><em>HOW</em></strong> of that life was still in question.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">John and I were torn about attending. We wanted to support our nephew and we wanted him to know that we love and care deeply for him but leaving Maddi at that time was so difficult. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">At the time we could only tell from the monitors that Maddi was distressed when we left. Ultimately, I called either my mom or my sister; I can’t recall which of them came. Knowing that we weren’t leaving Maddi “alone” was such a blessing for us. How grateful we were for those many family members who stayed with Maddi when we absolutely had other things we had to attend to. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Going to the “un-farewell” was a symbolic gesture of accepting the life we were engaged in at the time. It was an attempt to look past our survival mode and for us to re-enter the world of other people. John’s family is huge and many of those people we had not seen since the accident.We didn’t want to miss an important event but we feared we would overshadow the joy of his day with our situation. So, we intentionally arrived with very little time before the meeting started. We found seats by some dear friends and the meeting began.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My favorite part of church is the singing of the hymns. If they ever stopped the music I would seriously think about worshipping in the mountains or something. I am sure the songs fit the season and the occasion but the only song I could hear was <em>“Jesus, Savior Pilot Me”.</em> The ringing of it in my ears drowned out any other music. The Spirit was conversing with me and supplying me courage. I don’t know that you are ever ready to embark an unexpected and undesired journey but that day and with that song, I found a very relevant story woven between the music and lyrics. I was hanging on each chord and word for strength.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I don’t recall much of what was said in the meeting, the stress of the situation made everything a fog. I remember reading and re-reading the words to that hymn throughout that entire meeting. I don’t remember if I even spoke to anyone directly except for my nephew. I hugged him and wished him well and told him that I knew he would make a great missionary, that his service would change him forever and that I loved him. It probably didn’t mean much to him but I meant every word of it. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> I thought about him and prayed for him and his family when he entered the MTC just 3 short days later. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I thought of my own missionary son out in the field and how our experience was affecting him.</font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I reflected on the short phone call when we told him about his sister with emotion and compassion pounding in my heart. I prayed for him to find a working place that would allow him the peace as he finished his work. I worried about how strange our life and family would seem when he returned six months later. I contemplated the idea that perhaps Maddi’s recovery would be seen as one of the missionary blessings.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As the meeting ended we exited “stage left” quickly not wanting to cause a scene and we purposefully didn’t go to the luncheon afterwards because we wanted it to be HIS day, not a Maddi press conference. On the drive back to the hospital I desperately wanted to find this experience to be a nightmare instead of my reality. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My heart was heavy missing my other kids who were more than 100 miles from me. I missed my own ward family and the familiar rock behind the pulpit. I missed the comfort of my own bed. I missed the laughter of my daughter. I missed our “nightly” family scripture and prayer together and the weird irreverent humor that always seems to come out at that time. I even missed the heated debates that happen across the dinner table.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wondered about our life if Maddi didn’t improve and how that would affect my dearly loved but nearly grown children. I wondered how we would recover ourselves. Life seemed so uncertain. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><em>“Jesus, Savior Pilot Me”….</em> continued as we parked in our usual spot and walked the long succession of steps to the doorway leading to a different life.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> As I paused reaching for the handle the cadence and final resolve of the song rang through to center of my soul…….</font> <blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“Fear Not, I will pilot thee.”</font></p></blockquote> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">…..<strong><em>and I knew HE would</em></strong>.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-42825621109767666512011-10-10T17:11:00.000-06:002011-10-11T11:35:06.914-06:00Anonymous<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One of the most beautiful results of this unfortunate event has been to see the deep love and caring that people have for each other. We have been the recipients of such service and love in so many ways. </font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It has been a testimony to the goodness of the human family. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is much easier for me to be the giver than the receiver so it has been a great lesson for me. I prefer the anonymous route for giving and have never considered how badly the person might want to give thanks for such a great blessing.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wish I could detail out all the wonderful acts of service but I am sure I would miss someone.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This post is partly for the anonymous person that has been consistently helping us out. You know who you are and to what I am referring to. I wanted to give an accounting of how you have provided for our needs. Sometimes you never get to know how your sacrifice helps but today you get a glimmer of you greatness. Your selfless gifts have relieved some of our burden. Thanks you so much!</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">You have so graciously given us:</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">1. Clothes for Maddi, she has grown 6 inches since the accident. A whole new wardrobe was needed.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">2. Gas for our car to get to the many appointments 100 miles away. Gasoline is the silent killer of our budget.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">3. All of Maddi’s school books for her continued education. Buying curriculum isn’t cheap.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">4. Repairs and registration to the above mentioned car to allow gas to filter through the tank.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">5. Ballroom dance lessons that are an important part of Maddi’s Rehab. Dancing helps increase her processing speed and helps connect the brain to the body in real time.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">6. Therapy appointments, $35 copays add up fast, new glasses and prescriptions</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">That is just a sampling of the ways your kindness helped us adjust to our new life. We don’t know who you are but you know and we want you to feel our deepest appreciation. </font></p> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4">Our journey would have been much more difficult and dark without all of the kindness from so many different people; <strong><font color="#0000ff"><em>spiritually</em></font>, <em><font color="#ff0000">emotionally</font></em> and <font color="#008040">temporally</font></strong>. A huge thank you goes out to all of you;</font></font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those who<strong><em> </em></strong>have prayed and are still praying for us</font> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those who call or use any manner of technology (email, texting or Facebook) just to see how we are doing</font> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those words of encouragement that you may not even know you gave but made the biggest difference</font> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those special friends who know how drag me out of my house</font> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those people who have taken the time to get to know and love the new Maddi.</font> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">those of you who have been there and listened to our heartfelt struggles and loved us through it all</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We, as a family and myself, personally want to thank you. I hope the blessings of love are returned to you in the time that you needed it most. I hope to be able to see the needs around me and be quick to serve as well.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The song;<em> Old City Bar</em> from Tran-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) summarizes how we feel and how we hope to find ways to <strong><em>“arrange it” </em></strong>for others around us in their time of need.</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>If you want to arrange it <br>This world you can change it <br>If we could somehow make this <br>Christmas thing last </strong></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>By helping a neighbor <br>Or even a stranger <br>And to know who needs help <br>You need only just ask</strong></font> </p> <p align="left"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This is a shout out and thank you to <font color="#ff0000" size="5">ALL</font> who have <strong><em>“arranged it”</em></strong> for us, anonymous or not!</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> </p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-33496839462445873952011-10-08T16:40:00.001-06:002011-10-08T16:44:48.860-06:00The Good, the Bad and the Otherwise–By Maddi<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Adjusting to Maddi 2.0 is hard, for everyone. That means my friends, my family and myself. Sometimes my days are good, sometimes they're bad, and sometimes they're something in between, just kind of otherwise. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Sometimes, I start reading “Smile on My Forehead” a book written by a woman who also had a TBI named Jennifer Mosher, and I end up in tears. This is not because the story is terribly sad, it is simply because a lot of the experiences she went through, I am going through right now. But other days, I come home smiling and bubbly as ever but sometimes I am just in a melancholy mood.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Despite all the kinds of days I have, they are all hard. They all have fatigue, forgetting and learning. But even on the worst days; I get to see my friends, my family. I am thankful for how far I have come. Some people may think that just because I am walking and talking, I am fine and just the way I was. This could not be farther from the truth. The long-lasting effects of my brain injury will be my shadow for the rest of my life.<br></font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Adjusting is the hardest part. The learning is not over, and it probably never will be. But, the giant metaphorical hill (my hospital stay and all the hard things with it) is behind me. Although this is the case, I think that this part of my journey is the hardest. To what part am I referring? </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>The mental/emotional part</strong>. Everyone says that the teenage years are the hardest, but teenage girl plus TBI equals……………….bad combination.</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">There are many, many, things that are<font color="#0000ff" size="5"><em> hard</em></font> for me. Some are:</font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Remembering both short-term and what happened to me</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Following Conversations</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Having to stop participating in certain activities because of headaches</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">People expecting the same out of me as before</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Getting my point across</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Not being able to do certain sports like skiing</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Despite all the hard things, there are quite a few <font color="#ff0000" size="5"><em>good</em></font> things as well. Such as:<br></font></p> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Everything is getting easier over time</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> My friends support me & try to help me</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I can still do lots of things</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have more confidence</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I know I can do hard things</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My family is super supportive</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">If I was asked to say something supportive or helpful to some one struggling with some difficult<br>trial, I would say; </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“Everyone's got something that they are going through.”</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> “Everything gets easier over time.”</font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">“Just keep pushing through, it will all be worth it in the end.”</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-53846120198870966522011-10-06T16:38:00.001-06:002011-10-06T16:38:59.661-06:00Lapse of Time<p><font face="Century Gothic">I haven’t blogged for a while. There is this critic in the back of my mind saying that there isn’t an audience and by continuing to blog about our journey, I am trying to drag out this experience (not that it will ever go away) or that I haven’t accepted the past or that I am completely self- absorbed to think anyone even cares. I am finding out that none of the above mentioned things are true. Actually the blogging is all about acceptance and people are interested in the rest of the story. Brain Injury is a lifelong journey just like any other disability with its good days and bad ones. This blog started out to give information but it quickly became a way to document, reflect, accept and adapt to our new life. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I have recently been asked why I haven’t done an update and it truly goes back to that critical voice and the vulnerability I feel as I share the details of our story. Maddi was injured but that injury has created a new experience each one of us. This isn’t about me but as the writer of this blog I can only write from my own perspective. I don’t want to come off as a “whiner” or a “super hero”, nor do I want to seem self-important or give the impression we are unique or special. One thing this experience has taught me is just how many people are struggling with hard things in their lives, most difficulties originating from no personal fault or choice. All it takes is a listening ear to hear about ordinary “Davids” facing their “Goliaths” all around us. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I am just a regular person doing the best I can with the cards I have been handed. I just want to be real and honest about what is happening and the cascading effect that terrible day had on our lives. I don’t want to omit the hard stuff but I don’t want to linger there either. We experienced a great miracle that has been a huge blessing in our life personally and as a family. Even with the miraculous recovery this journey has required adaptation and sacrifice. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">Maddi is against all odds, adjusting so well to her new brain. It takes daily work and struggle but she is figuring out how to deal with the memory issues and her ability to express herself within a conversation with many people. She is adjusting to her physical and mental fatigue and learning her limits as well. She is learning not to expect people to remember that her brain is injured and trying not to be hurt when people can’t deal with the change between before and now. She is learning to be strong in her choices and to ignore other opinions that could make her feel inadequate. She is learning not to define her life by anyone else’s standard and in the process she is learning to leave the judging to God because not only are her injuries invisible but most people have invisible “things” that affect their choices.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">We are private people and don’t spread our business around, happy or sad. This blog really is out of character for us as a family but especially for me personally. As I write I open my soul knowing that there are those waiting to judge and criticize, but I feel compelled to continue.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">Maddi spends time reading other blogs written by people with brain injuries and what they write comforts, inspires and helps her. It gives her hope that life will one day seem normal and that someone out there truly does know what she is going through and they are able to make it work too. Maybe for someone else this blog can do the same for them. If one person has a better day after reading, then it is of worth.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">This miracle has been humbling, stressful, horrific, amazing, and illuminating for me personally and for our family. It has brought us face to face with the most basic human fears, death, separation and permanent changes in people we love. It forced us to take a good look at where we have spent our time, money and energy and whether they were good investments. It put our family to the test in terms of unity, understanding, and toleration. It has shown us just how equipped we are to support each other during a crisis and the lingering long term effects of this accident and any future difficulties. </font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I think every family whether they admit it or not deals with this unity test. It may not be through something catastrophic but in some way or at some time all families either bond together or pull apart. There is no middle ground, either you are moving towards or away from each other and that movement takes work. Sometimes the work is pleasant, fulfilling and delightfully fun and other times is it dirty, messy, disappointing and extremely difficult. Pretending one way or another doesn’t change the reality of it.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">In honesty, my kids are amazing but definitely not perfect, but I am not perfect either! As a family we are still trying to adjust and maybe we just think about it too much but it takes deliberate effort to remember that things are not the same as before and forgetting that fact can create contention, division and hurt feelings.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">We had to relinquish the idea that we can shape our own future in the most basic ways. The idea that if you do the right things everything will work out is true, in its most pure form, but not in the practical day to day living of things. Sometimes things just happen and they derail all of your best laid plans and changing past choices would have no real effect on the outcome. It is best to avoid anyone outside of the situation, who says<i> “you should have done…..”. </i>Being on the outside they have no understanding of the variables or reason for past choices. It has brought a deeper application of the terms; “endure to the end, thou shalt not judge and mourn with those who mourn.”</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">Looking forward is uncertain and looking back you see only shadows of what truly was. We can only live today in the best way possible and that is what counts. The great scripture that is known as simply, “Consider the Lilies” is applicable here. This scripture has brought me such peace in this wave tossed boat we are in.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">One of the things that Maddi said Jesus told her when she was in her coma was that;<b><i> “He wants me to succeed. He wants me to be happy.” </i></b>When she told me this in the dim light of her room and in her raspy whisper of a voice, the impression came to me that success, of course, was defined from an eternal perspective rather than from mortality. Success would come from emulating our Savior and would be defined between people’s hearts in that unseen but important space. It is all about how much love, compassion and understanding we extend to our earthly brothers and sisters regardless of the situation, similarities or differences.</font> <p><font face="Century Gothic">I don’t know about anyone else but knowing I have a loving Father in Heaven and a Big Brother who love me and <b>“want me to succeed”,</b> gives me such feeling comfort, acceptance and a deeper desire to be all I should be. If God can create a universe that functions so effortlessly then perhaps he created me to be eternally successful and happy too, even if it doesn’t register as success here on earth.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-26926024916024249962011-09-04T19:32:00.001-06:002011-09-04T19:32:55.382-06:00Omitted but Remembered<p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">It has been interesting to have Maddi reading the blog post from the accident. She wants to understand what happened to her during the time outside of her narrow view of the events. As we read, I recognized how much of the story I left out of the blog posts. At the time, I purposefully only told part of the story to maintain hope in those around us. We needed to see the hope in the eyes of our visitors because the world we were living in didn’t allow us much hope at the time.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">When I wrote that Maddi opened her eyes for the first time, we were ecstatic! That was true but what you didn’t know was that the only way we could tell whether she was “awake” or asleep was by watching a machine. Her vital signs told us any and all information about her status not her eyes or her body. She was still in a coma at that time. Coming out of a coma is completely unlike what is seen on T.V. It takes weeks, months and sometimes years to make that journey. We called it coming out of the maze.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">When we took Maddi off the ventilator she had a terrible case of pneumonia and there was actually some hope that the pneumonia would take her to spare her the life of a full time invalid. So, though we were giving the positive spin about taking the ventilator off early and her breathing on her own, we also knew the great possibility that she wouldn’t have the strength to fight the pneumonia and it could result in her death. That was a terrible time for us. We did not want Maddi to leave mortality but we didn’t want her trapped here either.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">The choices we had to make during that time still give me pause and I am grateful for the strength provided by the Spirit. Until you have actually been in the horrific position of making a decision that could result in the death of someone you love dearly, it is impossible to even begin to imagine that moment and the agonizing time spent in search of a different answer. That journey creates a spiritual and emotional change that permanently marks you soul.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">We weren’t actually praying for a miracle. We were praying for enough strength to accept God’s will regardless of what that meant. We knew that the chances of Maddi having a truly miraculous recovery were very slim. We saw the scans that showed that her entire brain had been injured. We knew that the thalamic storms she suffered for weeks were not a good indicator for success. We also knew that every day she remain unresponsive increased the likelihood that she would stay that way. We didn’t have the strength to share all of that information with the world or even our families because we needed them to keep hoping. If we had given all of the information, in the eyes where we needed to see hope, we would have seen defeat. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">Our other children KNEW the truth but we as a family decide we would not allow the negative or fear to infuse our minds and hearts until we truly knew outcome. We focused on the moment and didn’t worry about the past or the future. They knew the possibilities; they also had a lot of faith in God but also the resiliency of our family to handle our future but also knew we would handle it then…….. In the future. The planning and preparing the details of our new future was and still is the responsibility of John and I, together as a team. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">We purposefully didn’t give a lot of details to Jacob who was serving a mission because we didn’t think he needed the daily worry. There wasn’t anything he could do about it anyway. We figured by July we could prepare him for what Maddi was like at that time. We sent him photos as a file he could open when he was ready. I don’t know at what time he took a peek but from talking to Jacob since his return, we handled things well for him.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">We were excited by any and all movement Maddi made early on but it wasn’t until Christmas time that we could definitely tell the difference between her spastic, reflexive movement and those that she initiated with purpose. The first time I truly thought she was moving with purpose was when she had her first bath and she used her left hand to stroke her left leg. It seemed like she was trying to find out if her legs were still there. That was the beginning of her recognizing that her body was still available to her. She didn’t “find” the right side of her body until much, much later.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">She scratched her head, compulsively. I don’t doubt that her head itched but it was not a voluntary action. She couldn’t stop; it was like a cyclical pattern that had a definite rhythm. She spent four weeks repeatedly scratching her head over and over again and then another four weeks working hard not to. For the less than frequent visitor they would rejoice seeing her “take care of an itch”. While we knew that if she didn’t continue to recover she would be stuck repeating that action like a puppet on a string with no conscious choice involved.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">When Maddi finally took an orange out of my hand we were able to truly hope that she would regain some mastery over her own body. The orange was followed quickly by drawing, coloring and writing and eventually she moved from her upper body to her legs. Many, many days of “dancing” with her to develop strength in her legs began to pay off.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">The blog as it was written only covers about one third of our journey. What was omitted was intended to keep hope alive but I also chose not to write out our fears, worries and anguish in an attempt to minimize the focus on the negative. I held to mantra with vigilance<i>; <strong>“What you focus on expands!”</strong></i> It was a daily task to “Keep it on the Sunny Side”. Some days we did very well and others we were not as successful but from this vantage point we did a pretty good job! </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">Maybe, little by little, I will fill in the gaps but we are just so grateful for the blessings given during that time and for the miraculous recovery that Maddi has made. We are so busy pursuing our new normal and figuring out the next steps in our life that we don’t have much time to dwell on the past. Only during reflection or in my attempt to record those things that haven’t been written but have been kept close to my heart do we find ourselves reminiscing. Forever changed but seeing life as bright!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">We will never be able to repay the kindness that was extended to us. Thanks to all! How blessed we are to be surrounded by such great friends and family! We live in a fabulous area with wonderful neighbors and dear friends. We have such gratitude for the simple things…..<em><strong>sunshine, beautiful mountains, evening walks, time with family, abundance from our garden, our Dearest Savior, each breath of life!</strong></em></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Schoolbook">Life is good and is getting better every day!</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-24267757693805210682011-08-16T13:18:00.001-06:002011-08-16T13:18:03.899-06:00Dreaming a New Dream<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I haven’t done any posts for the blog since the first part of July. There have been lots of things happening but some of the emotions I am feeling are not ones I really want to put on paper. I have always been the optimist but I feel that happy outlook seeping out of every pore and I can’t stop the exodus. The miracles have been amazing and are still burning in our hearts and minds but reality and enduring are daunting tasks. These feelings are temporary for sure and eventually they will pass. I know that I am not alone in those feelings; most people struggle with hard things. That doesn’t help me either. I just feel bad for anyone walking a difficult road.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Even for those people who have children that have survived a Traumatic Brain Injury, their journey though similar to ours, it is still different. Each family and person has their own way of coping and different support groups with differing abilities. The significance and the amount of deficit in the survivor are also different. The ability to cope emotionally, mentally and financially with the newness and changes in the situation differs as well. The family and the survivor are hugely affected by what stage of life they are in. The NEW life has to be negotiated and adapted to. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Each person has to release the relationship they once had with Maddi and begin with no expectation for Maddi to be the person who never returned from the hospital. Our family dynamics have been clearly interrupted and have to be redefined. All of our kids are amazing but they are also more grown than not, it is hard to retrain 20 years of habit. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Change is hard to accept for everyone and as we go through this journey usually when we need understanding, it is most allusive. It isn’t personal but it is still one more thing to mourn. I have been in the situation as one found speechless when talking to someone who is mourning a loved one. Now, I have the perspective from the other side even though technically there isn’t a headstone with flowers to visit. I don’t know what to say either. Words are completely inadequate.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I think that the lack of words is partly why I haven’t written besides the fact that from the outside all looks well and really by comparison to what could have been it is a<i> <b>Miracle</b></i>. That doesn’t make the present any easier to navigate. I find myself not wanting to say a word because I know that nothing I say will help people understand nor will it make any kind of difference. Potentially, it could look like ingratitude which is so far from the truth.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Much of what Maddi is learning and going through right now is too personal to put into this blog. It was easy when she was at the hospital because the people she interacted with had a deep understanding of Traumatic Brain Injury. Now she is surrounded by people who have never heard the term, much less understand it and the ramifications of a severe brain injury, are too extensive to explain to every person we meet. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is difficult to educate without it being perceived as protective, making excuses or sheltering her. We really try to limit how much the brain injury has altered our life and we resist at all costs the urge to use Maddi’s brain injury as an excuse. Creating a feeling of normal is our objective but it isn’t the “normal” people expect.</font> <ul> <li><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><b>“She looks so normal.”</b> Maybe to someone who doesn’t remember or someone who wasn’t intimate with the light behind her eyes that is no longer there.</font></font> </li> <li><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><b>“You would never know she was hurt so badly.”</b> Maybe for someone who spends only an hour or two with her but for those of us living with her the difference and difficulties are drastic.</font></font> </li> <li><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><b>“She will have to get used to it sometime</b>.” I agree, but that happens in layers, stages and some things you never get used to, you have to work around. </font></font></li> <li><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4"><b>“Lots of kids struggle with……”</b> Agreed, but the discrepancy between the top 5% and needing one on one instruction has no comparison to never knowing any different. </font></font></li></ul> <p><font face="Century Gothic"><font size="4">Not that the frustration with school changes but it is more the remembering how it used to be. It is like going from a 4G phone with a data plan/ WIFI and unlimited texting to an ancient phone from the turn of the century that can barely find a signal.</font></font> </p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Traumatic Brain Injury survivors are the walking wounded and that is permanent. We are conditioned as a species to make decisions based on what we see and we aren’t privileged to “see” most of what is actually going on. I believe that is the biggest reason we are told not to judge! It doesn’t matter how many things you have been through or learned about or studied; every person responds differently to things based on their internal make up and the environment they are navigating.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have always tried (not always successful) to reserve judgment but this situation has removed any and all desire to suppose I know anything about what is going on inside another person’s head and heart or what they should or should not be doing. Most people have more on their “plate” than they can handle without all the misunderstandings and judgments.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We are totally blessed to have Maddi with us, but death is not the only thing that brings anguish. Watching your children struggle is not on the top 100 preferred activities. It is a daily activity for us. Walking with Maddi through her continued recovery is simply bittersweet. I relish her voice, each hug, smile, sparkle in her eye and her achievements, while at the same time mourn and feel the sadness with her as she comes upon each realization, difficult and deficit, as she gains a better understanding about what this means for her in her life now and in the future.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is too soon to determine the complete recovery outcome. She has many, many years to figure it out and learn to work around her issues. The future looks bright but it feels so far away. We know that in the end all will be for our good and that she will find her place with her new brain. The wavering optimism isn’t saying that things won’t work out, just that the space and time between now and then is bigger than we are. It is all about:</font> <p align="center"><font size="5" face="Century Gothic"><strong>Dreaming a New Dream</strong></font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-75185977564099255572011-07-09T22:19:00.001-06:002011-07-09T22:20:53.888-06:00Families are Eternal<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I made reference in my last post that I needed to write about family and this journey. First I need to clarify my beliefs about family, mostly because I have friends that I consider family in more ways than one. Some of those friends know me better than some of the people I am actually related too. However, I believe that regardless of the details of the ties or the amount of time spent together…….. <font color="#0000ff" size="5"><em><strong>Family Ties are Eternal</strong></em></font>.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We were sent to our specific family for a reason. The family environment helps us develop and become who we are. Family is the best option to help us through our mortal journey and the return trip to our Father in Heaven.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that in the life before we carefully decided who we wanted to walk this road with and they became our family. Living and growing up with these same people can be the best grounding we can have for who we are and who we are meant to be. Siblings are a critical part of our support system regardless of how much time we spend with each other as we move from children to adults with our own little families.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is impossible to separate from those we spent our developmental moments with even, if they drive us crazy! Not that I have any siblings that fit that category. I am so grateful for those great souls I have walked with and I look forward to passing the years as their families grow and change too.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It needs to be said here that I am aware that there are many childhood homes that can be filled with dysfunction and it can be a hindering component in our lives too. I actually believe that ALL homes have some kind of weirdness, mild or severe whether we are open about it or not. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It is innate in the family structure that parents are not able to “perfectly” build an environment for each person. We live in a group setting, with many characters with different needs and personalities. This diversity in our own family leads to the life long road of acceptance, forgiveness and tolerance.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">But, I believe that even in those struggles they still help define who we are. As we rise above those difficulties we gain strength in ways that would not be available to us otherwise. That is not to glorify abuse or mistreatment but to testify that we all have things in our lives that are stumbling blocks but I have faith that we can climb over, under or around those detours and still find our way on the path.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I don’t personally have the ancient history with John’s family or the spouses of my siblings, but can barely remember a time that they were not part of my family. I love them all regardless of how they became family to me. So when I mention family and siblings, I am referring to parents; in-laws or not, siblings I grew up with and siblings that I acquired through marriage. I don’t make a distinction between the two groups. All of them have made an impact on my life and I am grateful for my association with them. I am better for having known them.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Parents (myself included) are not perfect but they are endowed with gifts that allow us to develop in a way that will help us in our future lives. I believe in giving time and respect for those that invested time and energy in our developmental years, perfect or not. I cannot even begin to account for all of the time and money John and I have spent to maintain these relationships.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">For us, those relationships require a large investment because of the distance. We have no regrets! We live just far enough to make visiting a huge sacrifice of time and money but not far enough away to relieve us of the desire to be a part of what is going on. Spending time is the only way these relationships are maintained. That knowledge makes all the miles clicking a way on my odometer worthwhile. History proves family as a priority in our lives.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Strict biology dictates that at some point we will celebrate without our parents and that we step up to fill the role of matriarch and patriarch in our own clan. I hope it is far off and in the distant future. Time spent with family now gives perspective, clarity, focus and peace for the time when we are expected to fly solo with our loved ones watching from an unseen place.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that generations before me sacrificed for the gifts I take for granted today. Those who have passed on watch over us on in mortality. We owe a debt of gratitude for the struggles they endured to give us the strength to endure our own trials.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that families have distinct skill and mind sets. I don’t know many of the characters in my dad’s family line but I do believe that one day I will and I will be able to trace many of my own characteristics there as well. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In my mother’s family line there is a distinction known as the “Prince Women”. This trait could be spoken with revered awe or complete disdain depending on the situation and both would be accurate.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I believe that these characteristics were developed through generations to help this “breed” of women along in their lives. It is a two edged sword for sure. These women are strong willed, independent, intelligent, opinionated, hardworking, relentless, and realistic and are not easily controlled. So if you want a passive woman you better look elsewhere.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am often referred to as a “spitfire, feisty or a fireball” and rarely, a “Prince Woman”. Sometimes it is a compliment but more often as a chastisement or an insult. I really have tried to tame that beast here, but it comes from my double helix.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The “Prince Women” are also honest to a fault, extremely sensitive, intuitive, trusting, loving, compassionate and full of faith and optimism. These women are fiercely loyal and dependable. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">You just have to hope and pray with all you have, that they are headed in the right direction because trying to change their mind is not an easy task and not one I would encourage. Gladly, most of the time they stand on the side of right.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I can look through the family stories and see where these characteristics became a life line to those in past generations. I can also look into my own life and see how many of those same traits have shaped my life and helped me through the worst of times, especially during this most recent journey. I see those traits being essential for Maddi as she struggles to accept her limitations and her new life. I am grateful for the legacy.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Sometimes our lives push us beyond our own abilities. We are faced with disappointments and struggles that are completely out of our control. Families not only support us in this life but our ancestors offer their strength, faith and abilities as well.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">As Maddi was coming out of her coma she kept talking about the people who were with her in her “still” time. I can testify that she wasn’t alone in that place. I could feel the presence of people remembered and those unknown. I remember thinking I wish I had a calendar to write down the names of the people I felt with us during that time. It was real and undeniable. Most of the characters Maddi talked about I barely knew. I remember recognizing distinctly when Grandma Dorothy and Grandma Beth were with Maddi. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I spent many Wednesdays visiting with Grandma Dorothy and I love her deeply! I know her and I recognized when she was there. My Grandma Beth lived with us for a couple of winters while I was growing up. I learned so many lessons while working side by side with her. I love her also, she is a rare woman. It was like running into an old friend when you least expected, but at the time you needed them the most. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Maddi mentioned many other deceased family members but I didn’t recognize them. I knew we weren’t alone but I couldn’t tell you who was there. Maybe it was because I didn’t know the others as well. Maybe it was because I was tired, stressed or just not in tune at that moment. I don’t know but it isn’t an issue for me. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It was interesting that all of those attending Maddi were in some way related. I don’t think that was an accident and I know it was not a fabrication of what she expected to find on that side of the veil. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Grandma Beth and Dorothy died when Maddi was under the age of 2. She has no memory of ever meeting Grandma Beth in this life. I have no pictures of either of these women displayed in my home. Maddi was able to tell me things about these women that she could not have known.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My Grandma Beth had severe osteoporosis at the end of her life. Where once she stood tall and erect she died, small and hunched over. One of the things Maddi said about Grandma Beth was; “I thought Grandma Beth was supposed to be short. She was tall. I didn’t know she was tall” she also said, “I thought grandmas were supposed to be old. She wasn’t old or young”</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It gives credence to the divine nature of the family. Why would those people come to Maddi instead of someone else? Why not have a generic greeter like those found at Wal-mart? Families have eternal significance not just genealogical. We are meant to strengthen each other and I know for a fact that family support doesn’t just stop in this life.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wonder how many times we have been surrounded by past loved ones without knowing. I wonder how often they look in on us to see how we are doing. It gives reason to pause to think how many family cheerleaders we have beyond the veil. It gives us a reason to keep on trying even during the worst experiences. It gives us a reservoir of strength to draw from that is completely out of view.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am so grateful for the tiny inkling I did recognize from beyond the veil of mortality. I am overwhelmed at the detail given to this plan of salvation. I am grateful for family members living on earth and those gone before. My faith moved to knowledge as I was given a deeper glimpse into the divine structure of families.</font> <p><font color="#ff0000" size="5" face="Century Gothic"><strong><em>Families are Eternal!</em></strong></font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-62429220570900234772011-07-08T14:12:00.001-06:002011-07-08T14:12:32.961-06:00Faith To Live–By Maddi<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My journey through recovery has made me realize how much <font color="#9b00d3" size="5">faith</font> it takes to just live an ordinary life. Ordinary, for me, now is not the ordinary it used to be.</font><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The more I go about my daily life the more I realize how much <font color="#9b00d3" size="5">faith</font> and a testimony is needed. <font color="#9b00d3" size="5">Faith</font> is <i>always </i>important but especially during trials. </font></p> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Knowing that Heavenly Father is there and knows each and every one of us gives me an assurance that He <i>will</i> help us through each and every trial and that He <i>does</i> hear and answer our prayers. One thing I've learned is that mortality and our physical bodies influence many of our flaws.</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>What I Have Learned About Mortality:</strong></font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Our bodies are limited</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We can only do our best and the Lord will pick up the rest</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Our knowledge of the scheme of things is limited</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We don't have to know it all</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Material things don't matter</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Telling ourselves we don't have flaws doesn't make them go away</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">God made all of us different for a reason</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">What we tell ourselves makes all the difference</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We cannot tell ourselves that perfect is attainable because it's not, without the Savior</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">All of us fit somewhere in the Lord's plan</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We <i>have</i> to have faith to fulfill all of our promises to Heavenly Father</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Family is there to help us</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Each of us has a purpose here</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We all chose to come here</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My journey is hard, but <font color="#9b00d3" size="5">faith</font> makes it easier. When a started speaking I said, “It takes faith to live.”</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I may not have understood how applicable it would be at the time, but I sure do now.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-1365574064914833062011-07-03T10:19:00.001-06:002011-07-03T10:33:48.071-06:00Reflections in Kindness and Unity<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have been reflecting on our experience wanting to be sure I have documented everything that I know one day will be lost in my memory. This experience can be described with so many adjectives, both positive and negative. I am not to the point that I am grateful for my “trials” as people say. I don’t think I will ever be. I can be grateful for the lessons learned and for the beautiful parts and the miraculous outcome, but never to repeat. (I know I am a rebellious sort!) </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In fact, if I had the chance to go back in time I would eat that bowl of soup that was waiting on my stove for me. I would relax in my chair after a long day shopping. I would not worry about saving $10 on a pair of Levi’s. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I would bask in the safety of my four little walls with my little family and be content. I would be happy to live my whole life without ever knowing this journey at all but I can’t deny the impact and adjustment it has made to my life. I want to remember all of the wonderful, beautiful parts of this journey and forget the heartache. With my memory, I might just have a chance!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My last post talked about the financial hardship we are enduring because of my inability to work but as I was writing that post examples of the many tender mercies extended to us kept flooding over me like the torrential waters of our rivers this year. <font color="#ff0000" size="5">I want to remember every wave, drop and ripple in the water of kindness.</font></font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We have been blessed by so many generous people; friends, family, neighbors and complete strangers. For me it was unbelievable that people would sacrifice for our needs.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am a giver and am far more comfortable giving to others than receiving. I still feel unsure what to say besides a sincere thank you. There is no way to convey how much that eased our burden at that time.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We spent nearly $2000 just in fuel to get to the hospital for those 65 days not to mention the food. We were given several gift cards for the café at the hospital. Those small rectangular pieces of plastic gave us such peace. If we hadn’t had those gift cards I don’t think I would have eaten at all because of the cost. We left the hospital with $20 left on one of those cards and Maddi found someone who needed it. It was gratifying to see the relief found on their face when we passed on the love.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">My colleagues and families at my school pooled their limited resources together and it helped pay part of our mortgage one month. After paying for gas we were left short and they made up the rest and the timing was perfect.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Another time a dear family friend came and gave me a card and in it was the exact amount for something we desperately needed at the time. Just two days before that I had been on my knees expressing frustration, need and faith knowing and hoping the Lord would provide for us. He came through once again.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We were given a basket in the early days at the hospital. We were still in the PICU (pediatric intensive care), and we couldn’t really bring a lot in the room with Maddi. We left the basket in the waiting room. We shared the contents of that basket with others living their worst nightmare. Before Christmas, that basket was refilled 3 times. I don’t know by whom, but I remember the joy I felt when I would walk through and see someone with something from the “basket”, staring off into the distance fighting their private demons. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I was grateful I didn’t have to ask someone for water or have to walk the seemingly four blocks through a guarded station to get some. I am so grateful for the thoughtful person who brought that basket in the first place. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but it was invaluable and I was happy to share it. I consider it a loaves and fishes experience.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">All of those donations and those I haven’t specifically mentioned, regardless of how large or small it seemed to you, made a huge impact for us. We cannot begin to express our gratitude for the much needed blessings. No one wants to be in such desperate need but to see the outpouring of love is unbelievable. I hope that the blessings were added upon in their lives. Many of the donations we received were of an anonymous nature.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I remember one that was just in an envelope that said, “My uncle manages a Wal-Mart in Wyoming.” Included was a gift card that I gave to my kids at home so they could buy groceries and household items they needed while I was away. I am lucky that my kids are so responsible. That gift card took care of the milk, eggs, perishable veggies and fruit (and probably toilet paper). </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I did not buy one Christmas gift. Every gift that my children opened was given out of love for them and us. I actually can’t remember much of that day but I do remember being overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness. I couldn’t have mustered up the energy to face a cheery Christmas crowd. My life was surrounded in worry and shock, that even twinkling lights and delightful music couldn’t penetrate.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I had dear friends that invited my children to dinner and cleaned my house. Dinners were brought into my home many times while we were in the hospital. I was not there to personally benefit but it was comforting for me to know that my children were cared for even though they were capable. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I had a dear friend fly in to be with my kids while we were away at a most critical time. They were in shock and hurting too. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many great friends.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Our shelves, fridge and freezer were stocked with food that we have needed so dearly! We are still eating the meat given to us during that time. If not for that generosity we would now be vegetarians or more accurately eating just a grain based diet.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Thank goodness for the wisdom of Prophets to ask us to have food storage. It is amazing how many different ways you can make rice and beans. We like them best plain. I know it isn’t the best for getting into your skinny jeans but getting by is way more important than the size of your waist!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">We were surprised and humbled by glittering jars of coins at the base of our sad little Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. It served two purposes for us. The first is obvious but the second was that our little family spent Christmas Eve sorting coins. It gave us something to focus on besides what was different or missing. The mindlessness of sorting nickels, pennies, dimes and quarters did a great job numbing our minds and it kept us from thinking about the situation. It was hard to feel like celebrating at all. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">What surprised me the most was that people cared enough about us to take the time to gather up their coins. We really try to be invisible, we don’t want to bring any attention to ourselves and so we don’t expect people to be all that invested. So much for flying under the radar! It taught me that we influence people every day just by breathing. You never know who is watching from a far.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">So many people reached out to us in kindness. Many of these people were only known to me through this blog. I am so grateful my sister was brilliant enough to suggest the idea of a blog. It was sheer genius! What started out as a way to give information to others became a support for me through your comments of encouragement. Thank you!</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The examples of monetary value pale in comparison to the emotional support we were given. That support was given through hugs, prayers, cards, thoughts, phone calls, emails special fasts and candles lit in churches in different countries and religion and dear friend’s homes. Each one of the heartfelt expressions of love overwhelmed me. I never expected that kind of outpouring of love. Like I said I am much more comfortable loving people than being loved.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I was utterly amazed at how many of our friends came to see us in the hospital some of them multiple times in the stretched out weeks. It is a long road from our house and even during a busy Christmas season, with hugely expensive gas prices our friends took the time and spent the money to visit us.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Of course, we had a constant presence of family support but that requires another post. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">It may have seemed small to them but for those of us “incarcerated” their visits kept us sane! Knowing that we were cared for and loved made all the difference.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The sheer abundance of kindness and generosity is overwhelming when you put it all in one place. It is a testament to the goodness of people in general. This world has lots of questionable things going on right now but the divine goodness of people will never be questioned by me.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I stand in awe at the generosity and the sheer kindness of people, humbled that we were the recipients of such a pure love of Christ in our time of need. All people, crossing all boundaries have innate beauty and compassion in them.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I wish I could adequately share the vision of the type of unity that was created in this situation. People of all walks of life, religion, political persuasion, culture and beliefs saw our human need had compassion and acted. I am grateful for each one. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Not only did people of my own religion support us but whole communities from different religions. This experience gave me a sacred glimpse of unity that one day will be and I know that it is possible.</font> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">What a beautiful picture of……</font> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"> <font color="#0000ff">UNITY IN CHRIST</font></font> <p align="center"><font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Century Gothic">PEACE ON EARTH</font> <p align="center"><font color="#0000ff" size="4" face="Century Gothic">GOODWILL TO MAN</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6350973646770461291.post-56007700149893767262011-06-28T09:16:00.001-06:002011-06-28T09:16:13.529-06:00Letting Go<p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I haven’t posted for a while. Things are going well with Maddi. Sometimes it is hard to remember that she has severe traumatic brain injury. Other times it is entirely obvious. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Summer is derailing my intentions for educational rehab for Maddi. I don’t want her to miss out on activities with her friends and I also believe in JOY and HAPPINESS as well as hard work and persistence. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I am finding it difficult to push the latter. I have also been heavily involved in some other necessary things that have fully engrossed my life like trying to come up with a financial plan for our future.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I have alluded to the fact that our life has taken a serious detour but I haven’t given any details. That is partly due to the fact that sometimes people do not need that much information and partly because things have been completely up in the air.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Those of you who know me personally know that I <font style="background-color: #ffffff" color="#ff0000" size="5">LOVE</font> teaching first graders. That is my <font color="#0000ff" size="5">passion</font> outside of motherhood. I have spent much of my time and energy being extremely successful as well. And did I say,<font color="#ff0000" size="5">I love it!</font> </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">One of my characteristics (for good and bad) is that I give 110% and more if I can, even if it isn’t required. According to my husband, I have two speeds; On and Off. I would have to completely agree with him. I envy those people who can pace themselves.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">This full blast tendency of mine makes me highly effective in most things but it leaves me exhausted in the balance and I had to be very specific in what I chose to do. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">For me it was <font color="#0000ff"><em>family, my faith and school</em></font>. That was it. Nothing more, otherwise I would have crumbled like the little house of cards. It was a constant battle and required diligence to establish balance and to make sure my priorities were correctly aligned. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">However, there is an opposition to ALL things and this is not exempt. It takes a lot of <em><font color="#ff0000">physical, mental and emotional</font></em> <font size="5"><strong>energy</strong></font> to fill the needs of all those sweet ones in my class. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">With the new elements in my life and Maddi’s recovery still an ongoing issue I cannot go back to teaching right now. It has been a loss that required the grieving processes. I know it is unusual but I <font color="#ff0000">LOVE</font> spending my day helping children learn but<font color="#0000ff" size="5"> I love my family more!</font> They have always been first.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">At school, I have to connect with each child and fill their needs completely or I cannot rest. I know how precious these little ones are, not only, to their families but to our future as a whole. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I also recognize how influential I am in building the foundation for education, character and self-perception. I have to be top of my game or instead of influencing for good I could do the opposite. I am deeply committed and I fully understand my impact on children.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The journey I am on with Maddi’s recovery leaves very little energy in the balance. Working would mean that someone or something would have to fall through the cracks. That is unacceptable. Neither group should suffer; my family or my class they both deserve my best. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">In the past I have been able to balance both roles but in my new world that is impossible, at least right now. I hope that it will become possible, as we get further into Maddi’s recovery and the journey moves to acceptance of new abilities. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Right now we are just trying to regain her skills and there is no manual for that and time is the most important! The earlier she rewires the more successful she will be.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I know my limitations, I cannot maintain the intensity it takes to be the <em><strong>kind of teacher I am</strong></em> and have any patience left to help Maddi navigate through four and five hours of homework. The time frame alone would put her at a disadvantage.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">She is doing fabulous but the organization part that helps her prioritize the order and the things needing to be done has been affected by her brain injury. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">I hope that over time we can help her establish some procedures that will allow her some independence in that area but that doesn’t happen by accident.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Just like with my first graders, learning is not an accident. The ones that have involved parents to help reinforce and further establish the pathways created in their brains at school create a permanency that those children will use forever.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">That is what I am doing for Maddi, the only difference is that we have to go about it differently and at an age that it is expected that she already has those pathways built. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">The schools cannot fill this need for her. It isn’t that they won’t. The structure of the school system is for broad education not an individual one. Being an educator, I know the limitation of the structure and this is definitely outside its realm.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Anyway, that being said, not working is taking a toll on our financial well-being. It has been six months since I have received any pay and it wasn’t like I had any preparation for that loss or the new expenses of the situation. I didn’t have time to shuffle my financial deck before it became a 200 card pick up in the middle of the floor.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">When I began working 10 years ago we were really good at putting that pay into the extra pile but as the paycheck became steady and reliable it didn’t stay there. Besides children become more expensive as they age instead of less so. I think formula and diapers were an easy expense to calculate compared to the varied needs of teens. So my paycheck became relied upon. So this has put a bend in our road but it is just that……. a bend.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">So many times in the early moments, my husband and I would say,<em> “We would give anything to have Maddi wake up.”</em> So in the shadow of those thoughts all of this financial woe is relative. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">When I was fighting to get the therapy Maddi so desperately needed and I told the team of doctors and support staff, that I would write out a check and pay for it myself and I didn’t care if I lost my house or everything I owned. I was completely serious. </font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Considering what we were willing to give up, we are getting off easy. We won’t lose our home and even if we did, everything(material wise) is replaceable. Happiness doesn’t come from things. It might be a difficult bend in our road to walk but it is so much easier knowing our family is intact and Maddi has a bright outlook and future.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">So the innate teacher inside gets to work on a very personal project for a time, things could be worse! I get to use all my skills to make a difference for my family and for Maddi. That makes letting go so much easier but………………….. </font> <p align="center"><font size="4" face="Century Gothic"><strong>I WILL MISS…</strong></font> <ul> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the bright smiles on the first day and the joy the kids feel when they “really” read a chapter book.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the beautifully written first grade stories that make me laugh.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">taking a concept from beginning to end to create a desired outcome.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the hugs that I know “technically” I shouldn’t give but how do you say no to outstretched hands. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the elation they find when they figure out a math concept or make a new friend.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">watching the internal strength gained from facing a “meany” and standing up for themselves.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the creative way children see the world, unaffected by life’s seasoning. </font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the embellished stories children tell of things at home that are only peppered with truth.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the pure innocence of their trust that I love them and the time spent proving that trust was placed in the right hands.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the energy I wish I could bottle and sell it to tired exhausted adults and drink myself at 2pm.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the day to day relationships with colleagues, families and parents.</font></li> <li><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">the exhilaration I feel when my “kids” succeed.</font></li></ul> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">Most of all I will miss making a difference, whether they remember me or not.</font> <p><font size="4" face="Century Gothic">So it is a bend in the road but I am still walking. I still get to make a difference it is just in an alternate venue for a time.</font></p> Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18386388138285938293noreply@blogger.com5