Writing in my Head

Every night as I start to fade into the mattress my mind goes wild with ideas to write about. I have decided it is a kick back to the hospital days when I wrote almost every night.

It has been said that it takes 30 days to create a habit, well I had 65 days and the habit is hard to break. I have to say that I am glad that snuggling, snogging and can-noodling with my husband is a much bigger motivator than writing.

After those terrible 65 days of limbo and not having my man next to me each night, I would much rather let his internal heater lull me to sleep than the words on the page.

That being said, I can’t stop my brain from actually writing. It does it in my head. So, I lay there with all the words floating around and spinning like a finely tuned bicycle.

Some of it is amazing, but more of it is reflective and mediocre. Sometimes it is more of a rant full of every swear word that I know and other times it is full of gratitude complete with beautiful, calming, reassuring sentiments.

It would be easier if I just sat down and wrote it out then I wouldn’t spend my dream sequences trying to remember the best of what was mentally written.

Tonight, I am bi-polar in my feelings. I am full of gratitude that today was one of the first days, I actually had any amount of energy that wasn’t motivated by heavy doses of caffeine.

I really think there should be a waiver for emergency coffee rations that doesn’t void the WOW (Word of Wisdom, for those who don’t know).

I have been known to seek out and linger over the smell down that wonderful isle at the market dreaming of an alert, exhaustion free morning. My secret is out, yes, I do inhale, I just don’t drink. 

I am also feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the reconstruction of our life. Actually, I would consider what we are going through more of a remodeling of life. We can’t rebuild what was, we have the distinct pleasure of starting from where we are and fashioning a new life out of the pieces that are left.

Most days follow a similar path as before; laundry, cleaning, cooking, talking, reading and working, so it feels almost normal. It is when things seem out of phase that I look around and feel like I am in an alternative reality that just doesn’t work for me.

Anyone who has had a “trajectory changing” event happen in their lives will attest that going back will never happen.  Moving forward is all we can hope for.

The moving forward is needed for everyone not just Maddi, this is a family event. Living with semi-rigid, OCD prone people makes altering the “trajectory” difficult but it is attainable.

If I only write about the good things, I give a dishonest picture of what this journey looks like.  Writing only about the happy things requires the pretense that things are perfect and just the way they should be.

I can’t do that because then I would have to pretend to buy into the idea that perfection is attainable which it is NOT and that is a debilitating, destructive lie!  Thanks Satan, We know you are a busy weasel of a should have been man.

People who pretend loose all credibility with me and looking to them as an example for strength, courage or perseverance would be like looking for a mirage.  It just isn’t believable, helpful or truthful.

We are struggling in many ways but we are advancing and getting better everyday. I believe that admitting that things are hard doesn’t mean that we have overlooked the blessings. I believe that even Jesus was able to admit that things were hard and he didn’t want to do it……….think Gethsemane, “let this cup pass….”.

Everyone has crappy days and hard things to deal with. Change is hard! It is comforting to know that the landfill of life has many occupants and our presence there is temporary. And that you have not been singled out in your afflictions. I think it shows strength when we can be honest.  How can we “mourn with those who mourn” when we don’t know what is going on?  That commandment is impossible if we are all pretending.

Sometimes things just happen and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Sometimes an accident is just that, an accident. Sometimes the best laid plans have to be discarded for a new more pertinent one.

Sometimes, we are just victims of unfortunate events and it has nothing to do with God or our choices. Looking back you can always see ways to improve the “now”, but if we were to go back without the knowledge from the journey we would probably make the exact same choices.

Here are just a few of the difficult spots for us right now:

1. Losing 1/3 of our income has put a damper on all of our short and long term financial plans and just paying the bills.

2. Not being able to plan for our future because of lack of information and not knowing what Maddi will need. I am a planner.

3. The debilitating emotional and physical FATIGUE and STRESS of remodeling our life.  Praying about it or having more faith doesn’t alter that fatigue.  God may strengthen us so we can more comfortably carry our burden,but it doesn’t go away.

4. Balancing how we did things before and how we need to do things now and having the follow through and energy to do it.

5. Altering the expectations for ourselves and for Maddi.

6. Accepting the need to change our dreams to accommodate a new future but fearing to dream at all.

7. The unknown. So much of Maddi’s recovery now is trial and error. We won’t know her deficits until they show. Trying to discern those things that are truly gone and not worth spending our energy on and those things that just need rehabilitation to regain. A road map or a manual would be helpful.

8. Navigating normal everyday sibling and teen issues with TBI (traumatic brain injury) in the mix. Parenting is a glorious, beautiful, challenge in the best of circumstances. I have great kids but they are normal (if there is such a thing), not perfect.

Each of my kids are; fabulous, unique, talented, intelligent, hardworking and intense. If you don’t know them well, you are missing out.  They are rare individuals that walk to their own rhythm.  My music often times just doesn’t match.

I enjoy every minute with them unless they are fighting or being snarky to each other, then I just go “postal” with a mixture of turrets and swearing. I have no patience for mistreatment of other people!  I always regret the swearing once the rage passes. 

This is not something you get over. It is something you get through and learn to live with. Just because you don’t see the struggle doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Pretending doesn’t make it go away. This journey completely altered our life, perspective, our priorities, our dreams and our future and that is OK.

That doesn’t mean that our new future is negative, just different. I am sure we will find happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment and joy in our new world too. The transition is just a little overwhelming and it takes time to alter the dreams of 20 some odd years.

9. Feeling like no matter what choice you make, it will never make things right. When the only choices you have are not preferred or even positive, you hesitate to make any choices at all.

10. Feeling guilty for often hating this journey and wishing for the past. At the same time being so grateful for the miracles and gifts given.

If you want to get me raging just tell me this was in God’s plan. If that is true, apostasy is my next step. A loving Father doesn’t write out a prescription of this magnitude for us to learn a lesson.

Agency and choice cannot be taken away. Sometimes they have catastrophic consequences. That doesn’t mean God meant for it to happen. We can make the best of a bad situation but I cannot accept that God planned it.

I believe that God intervened on Maddi’s behalf for an unknown reason. When I think of others who are still in the bed unable to move I wonder why and feel unworthy.

This miracle had nothing to do with our personal righteousness or that our prayers were heard more than others. It is impossible for me to understand God’s reasons. I can only be grateful and humbled that we are even a blip on his radar.

Looking at that list you would think that life is horrible for us. Not really. Things are going well and mostly we are happy, we laugh, smile and feel content; we are just walking a challenging road. We have to make financial decisions we hate. We have to prioritize in a way we haven’t needed to for many years.

We have to give up things that bring us balance and peace and look for new ways to achieve those critical elements. We have to purposefully look for the positive or else the negative could swallow us whole. I am not complaining, just telling the truth.

The aftermath of that split second decision is still rippling through our life like a tsunami. Eventually the pond will settle and calm will return. We just have to give it time.

Through this journey, we also get an eternal perspective and a reality check on what is most important. Our faith will ultimately be strengthened, though on our bad days it feels a little shattered. We get to see miracles daily and see our very personal importance to God.

Our family will unite and become stronger. We will become more resilient and flexible which will enable us to walk this journey without every rock cutting into our feet.

We will have compassion and withhold judgment because we have walked a road less traveled, knowing that everyone, regardless of circumstance, is doing their very best and that IS and WILL BE ENOUGH!