Holiday Reflections

I know that it has been a year since the accident and that Maddi is doing amazing but my mind keeps coming up with things to blog about, most are not directly about Maddi but mostly about how we are coping with the huge change in our life. I think that if there is ever a universal theme among people it would be our need to adjust to change

I believe that everyone is going through something that they didn’t plan for.  When we all sat down and did our itinerary for life, I don’t think we could conceive what this life would really be like. It doesn’t take a huge motor vehicle accident to derail people’s souls bringing despair, discouragement or feelings of helplessness.

Sometimes it is just the day to day living of things. With a Traumatic Brain Injury, it is a life long journey, just like every other struggle out there.

“Time passes quickly but sometimes the days are long in living it.”

Some days are amazing and some are just plain dull and really not that much different from before. We just have different struggles now.

This season always brings out deeper feelings of compassion and reflection. Families are looking for ways to make Christmas more meaningful and less commercial, I know that we are, but in the background often times this season also brings out the fear of not measuring up. Not just with the gifts under the tree or with the family gatherings that leave us wishing for stronger ties… or fewer depending on your situation, but also with accepting who we are and our own capacity.

During this journey with Maddi, one of my roles is to help her not only accept the newness and strangeness of her brain but to celebrate the greatness of it. Being a walking miracle can only fill your cup so far. You still have to live in your own skin and sometimes with a traumatic brain injury you feel like you are being held hostage. Learning to be happy with who you are now, is all about acceptance……. but isn’t that the journey for EVERYONE?

I wish I was able to; take more risks, speak well, be more social, keep my mouth shut more often and be more assertive. My drive to do the right things for the right reasons sometimes has a habit of fostering impatience with my own shortcomings and outright misguided decisions. Accepting myself requires that I am OK with my; cautious nature, avoidance of conflict, verbal impulsiveness and deep love for people but in smaller groups. This journey with Maddi has taught me to be more accepting with my own limitations because as with any good teacher you can’t teach what you don’t already know.

The American Dream is one of perseverance and rising above any and all obstacles to reach your potential. This ideal brings tears to our eyes when we see the red, white and blue or hear a rousing patriotic tune. It is the ultimate “You can be whatever you choose” message. Sometimes this message breeds a sense of dissatisfaction because our expectations were grandiose. Being able to do anything you dedicate and set your mind to, is great, but only if it is tempered with reality that you CAN do anything, not to be confused with should do everything. It is easy to detail out all the attributes we should have, but it is rare to find them all in one person and to develop those attributes takes many years to attain.

• I have friends that are amazing at fashion, design and decorating….. I am more about function than beauty but I sure wish I could rock some awesome high heeled shoes without feeling like a poser.
• I deeply admire my friends who can take a conflict head on without agonizing about it afterward.
• I want so badly to throw a party without fighting the need to vomit during the preparation stage.
• More than anything I wish I could be that peacefully, calm, fully refined person but there aren’t enough drugs in this world to slow this brain.

But for every one of those attributes that I do NOT possess I have the core opposites which are the exact traits that make me so….…ME.

• I am always looking for the function and the best organization for effectiveness whether in my home or in my profession, maybe my profession has something to do with the need for sensible shoes.
• My need for harmony between people and being a problem solver should not be put on the “con” list.
• The same thing that causes the deep, internal agony during conflict leads me to love deeply and without reservation. I have never met a person I can’t love,  I just need enough time to understand them.
• My impatience and impulsive nature keeps me in motion and helps me constantly seek for better and to think outside of the box.
• It also provides me deep understanding and empathy for the people who don’t fit the mold because I am one of them.

Sometimes it is better to play to your strengths. Playing to our strengths allows us to be who we are meant to be. I am not talking about sitting back, being comfortable and not putting forth any effort. I mean, be specific on our desired outcomes and use all our best gifts to achieve them and work around our weaknesses just like I am trying to help Maddi do.

The most successful people work within their genius not outside of it! There are as many personalities in the world as there are people; each one is just as valuable as the other. Each personality has its strengths and weaknesses and that is entirely by design at the hand of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who can help us see ourselves from their eternal perspective. I am grateful to know that perfection is not a prerequisite to be loved by my Heavenly Father or others around me. It brings me peace to know that conformity is not the end game.

Hopefully, the holidays will bring us feelings of hope, contentedness and peace rather than alternative. Maybe being more accepting with ourselves and each other we can find that Peace on Earth that is promised.

Perhaps we can recognize those melancholy feelings as longing for our Heavenly home and the arms of our Savior rather than a personal failing. The angels promised;

“Good tidings of great joy…….. The Prince of Peace.”

If there was one thing that this journey with Maddi and her traumatic brain injury, has taught me is that we are enough!

God needs and loves EACH one of us in our diversity and imperfections. The birth, life and death of our Savior allows us be just that….. ENOUGH!