Blue Day

 

I met a dear friend at Primary Children's after both of us were dealt the crushing blow that shattered the lives we knew in a blink of an eye. One day we were talking and she mentioned that she was having a blue day.

Ever since that day I have used that term to describe a day that is filled with wishing for the life I had before and the dreams that have been stolen. It symbolizes in those two little words all the pieces scattered along this road that at one time were unified. It illustrates well for me the hurdles and challenges I see when I look down the road into the future.

A blue day encapsulates all the grief and pain that must be put aside to function in the present. Everyone has these kinds of days but for those of us going through a recent traumatic, life altering event it can be pretty intense.

That is not to diminish anyone else's struggles or hardships. We all have them and I would never presume to think I have any idea what your blue day feels like. I only know my own.

A blue day doesn’t mean you can’t cope or your that you are so depressed you want to take a rash action.  A blue day is just a day where reality settles and rather than wanting to be submissive, patient and full of faith you want things your own way instead of the Lord’s.

A lot of the journey now is now spent in re knitting the family together, finding the new balance, integrating a whole new mind set into an existing structure. During this time I have had a few of those blue days.

I am finding it difficult to write the details of this part of the journey on the blog because there is so much growth and too many dearly loved characters engrossed in a hugely difficult and defining part of their lives. No one wants their dirty laundry hung out on the figurative cyber line. In all that growth, sometimes it goes well and sometimes............not so much.

Being unable to make decisions and have a plan for the future can easily send me down the cool tint of blue but my antidote is to look at the blessings and good going on in my life. Some days the looking calms my fears and other days it is just another illustration of how much work needs to be done to rebuild our life.

One of the most difficult things is seeing that no one else's life has been disrupted, even though we are so happy and relieved that this is so. Their lives get to continue on their original trajectory .

Even those who are closest to us seem to be experiencing "life as usual" and this story has become a past event like a picture in an old photo album, while we are still living it in 3D. We want this experience to fade into the background too, but for us that has yet to happen and won't for quite some time.

I know that I wouldn't want it any different for those around us. In this case, misery doesn't love company. I would do anything to shield those I love from this kind of adventure, but I just wish I could join them in that unfettered, unshattered, more predictable world. The hospital phase is beginning to fade but the reality we are facing is blinking in burning neon lights.

At the hospital they talk about getting used to a new normal and we are beginning to see some of that, except the new normal doesn't feel right. It feels odd and out of phase. I am beginning to wonder if that is what they were referring to.

We adjust to the newness of our life but it feels surreal, like dancing with a shadow of what was, while trying to find the substance of the full body of life and no one has taught us the steps.

This post isn't meant to complain. We have been blessed so much and I am not overlooking that but even when miracles happen there is "stinking hard" work in the aftermath. I think it is valuable to see all sides of the experience and it is important in sharing this journey that it be truthful even when the picture isn’t a masterpiece. Even as a child I was not a fairy tale girl. I believe in being happy now and  happily ever after working for happiness.

I have purposely tried to focus on the blessings and the positive things throughout this experience as a remedy and protection from the darkness that lingers waiting to pounce, but this is indescribable. Superwoman, I am not!

I hear there is this elite group of superwomen who love to think they can, do and know it all. I do not claim belong to that sorority, nor would I participate in a rush week for it. My hat is off to them but I have never met a real one, if they even exist.

Maybe they are just characters from an urban folklore to keep women comparing and judging each other and themselves. That would be a great tool for division among those who have the most to give.

• Maybe someone reading this blog is having a blue day and is berating themselves for not being able to just "buck up" and deal with it.
• Maybe knowing that someone else feels the same way will strengthen them to help them get through a day that feels ten years long.
• Maybe someone who has never experienced anything like this will find it in their heart to feel compassionate instead of judgmental with someone they see today.
• Maybe some day, one of my posterity will be going through a terrible personal journey and will find peace in these words.
• Maybe honesty will help drop the pretenses that exist, allowing us to better lift the hands that hang down and lift where we stand.
• Maybe the words just need to be written.

I am amazed that anyone even reads this blog but even if no one reads it, when the dimness of years shroud around my mind to rob me of my memories. I will have this to remind me of where I have been.

In the book; "A Smile on My Forehead" by Jennifer Mosher, she describes living with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). It gives an inside look at the life long journey of acceptance and compensating that TBI requires. You can buy her book online at http://www.jennifermosher.com/

It is a fascinating read if you want a better understanding of what we are learning to live with or a personal internal glimpse of what it is like to have a TBI.

We went to a book club meeting where the author spoke. What a beautiful soul Jennifer has and how grateful I am that we were invited by a complete stranger to attend. Maddi was able to visit with Jennifer and feel understood by someone who really knows.

I highly recommend this book. I think it should be required reading for all family members and it is far more interesting than the other 10 books I have read on the TBI topic.

Life in general is a journey with all kinds of ups and downs. This journey for us is no different. We have our good days and our bad ones. For as long as I can remember my goal has always been to have a strong, united family. Every action, flawed or not, I have taken up to this day has been to fulfill that goal.

This type of traumatic experience either makes you or breaks you, personally and as a family. We are in those defining moments of that journey right now. I can't and won't pretend that it is easy. It is not and there are too many variables to have a predictable outcome right now.

That leaves me again with that thing called FAITH. That is all I have to cling to these days. What would I do without that inner core of strength but to crumble under the weight.

Maybe I am a slow learner or maybe I am making it harder than it is. But it isn't like anything normal you have ever experienced. There isn't any comparison. The relationships are different  but the slate is not wiped clean for anyone. Maddi is trying to adjust, and so are the rest of us. I can only imagine how that feels inside her own head.

It is more like gutting a house and remolding it while you have to live in it. Each new completed task bring great joy, but it is messy and irritating, full of set backs and unknown problems but you move forward knowing the expense, effort and work will be worth it.

In the end I have to believe that we, as a family, will stand strong and united, otherwise when the final stripping of everything that is or ever has been important to me happens, it will leave me with my greatest fear....................standing alone with those I love scattered and shattered along the way.

The words of a favorite hymn of mine have become a daily affirmation for me in this journey. It calms my fears and gives me hope that I can borrow the strength from Him, who knows me best, to help get me through this uncertain and unsettling time in our lives.

With that hope and a lot of prayer and hard work, my family will make it through intact and happy with our fingers interlocked in love, understanding and support for each other no matter what lurks in the sunshine or the shadows even with the scattering of blue days.

I will not doubt, I will not fear,

God's love and strength are always near.

His promised gift helps me to find,

An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly,

My trust, my prayer, humility.

His Spirit guides, his love assures,

That fear departs when FAITH endures.