So, I was thinking the other day how I wish things could go back to normal. The thing is that they are normal, this normal is just kind of different.
New Normal
- Half day of school
- Lots of homework help
- Lots of things I am not allowed to do
- Nightmares
- Gigantic love for stuffed animals (sounds strange for a 14 year old but can’t help it)
- Smidgen of anxiety
- Huge fear of being hurt again
- Fear of being alone
- I have more confidence
OLD NORMAL
- Full day of school, easy sneezy
- Not much homework at all
- I could do just about anything.
- A+ in sleeping
- Smaller love of stuffed animals
- Normal amounts of anxiety
- Little fear of being hurt
- Fear of being alone- Not a problem
- Worried about what other people thought
Let me try and describe what it is like to be inside my brain. It is like my brain is a giant white board and some random “eraser dude” comes and erases ideas and words in no particular order. I never know when it is going to happen and when the “eraser dude” will show up. He is REALLY annoying. I wish I had a “De-eraser machine.”
Before the accident, I always thought of my brain as a room with rows and rows of files cabinets. Now all my files are on the floor and the cabinets are missing along with some seemingly important information. My file cabinets used to be nice and orderly, not so much anymore and besides the cabinets are MIA (missing in action). Hey! Who Moved my Cheese (cabinets)?
That is so FRUSTRATING! Unless you can climb in my brain, take my word for it, you don’t want to know what that feels like. Sometimes my emotions have a mind of their own and I can’t rein them in. Sometimes it just REALLY SUCKS!
Since I can remember what my brain was like before, it feels like I am inside someone else’s brain and they are just NOT listening. I am not trying to complain but this IS what it IS. I really want things to be the way they were but we are past the point of no return. I am slowing learning to accept my new brain, AKA Maddi 2.0.
Having more confidence is definitely a PRO rather than a CON. Now, what other people think is far less important than what I think in regards to myself. Maintaining my integrity and doing what is right is a whole lot more important than what is popular. Not that I wasn’t that way before but now I don’t feel bad if people don’t like it. I have a whole new perspective about life. All of this is temporary.
I mean, Heavenly Father isn’t going to ask us if we were the prom queen or how many Facebook friends we had. He is going to ask us questions about our integrity and how we treated other people and if we did what was right.
Life is all about learning and no one is perfect. People who pretend they are perfect don’t understand much about life. We are perfected only through God and the Atonement. Our job is to do the best we can and learn from our mistakes.
Despite the frustrations, my new brain is growing on me. Maybe one day it will feel like MY brain instead of someone else’s. Until then, I guess I’m stuck! At least I know who I am and I am confident in that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Maddi. I really appreciate your honesty and your insights.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
(You don't know me; I knew your mom in high school.)
You don't know me either Maddi, but your mom taught 2 of my kids in school.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for explaining what it feels like inside your brain. My daughter has had a TBI from birth and you've helped me understand what she is going through and how her brain works. She has never known anything different, so she can't describe it as well as you can. And we get to see Darin for therapy too! :) Keep up the hard work- you are amazing!