Dreaming a New Dream

I haven’t done any posts for the blog since the first part of July. There have been lots of things happening but some of the emotions I am feeling are not ones I really want to put on paper. I have always been the optimist but I feel that happy outlook seeping out of every pore and I can’t stop the exodus. The miracles have been amazing and are still burning in our hearts and minds but reality and enduring are daunting tasks. These feelings are temporary for sure and eventually they will pass. I know that I am not alone in those feelings; most people struggle with hard things. That doesn’t help me either. I just feel bad for anyone walking a difficult road.

Even for those people who have children that have survived a Traumatic Brain Injury, their journey though similar to ours, it is still different. Each family and person has their own way of coping and different support groups with differing abilities. The significance and the amount of deficit in the survivor are also different. The ability to cope emotionally, mentally and financially with the newness and changes in the situation differs as well. The family and the survivor are hugely affected by what stage of life they are in. The NEW life has to be negotiated and adapted to.

Each person has to release the relationship they once had with Maddi and begin with no expectation for Maddi to be the person who never returned from the hospital. Our family dynamics have been clearly interrupted and have to be redefined. All of our kids are amazing but they are also more grown than not, it is hard to retrain 20 years of habit.

Change is hard to accept for everyone and as we go through this journey usually when we need understanding, it is most allusive. It isn’t personal but it is still one more thing to mourn. I have been in the situation as one found speechless when talking to someone who is mourning a loved one. Now, I have the perspective from the other side even though technically there isn’t a headstone with flowers to visit. I don’t know what to say either. Words are completely inadequate.

I think that the lack of words is partly why I haven’t written besides the fact that from the outside all looks well and really by comparison to what could have been it is a Miracle. That doesn’t make the present any easier to navigate. I find myself not wanting to say a word because I know that nothing I say will help people understand nor will it make any kind of difference. Potentially, it could look like ingratitude which is so far from the truth.

Much of what Maddi is learning and going through right now is too personal to put into this blog. It was easy when she was at the hospital because the people she interacted with had a deep understanding of Traumatic Brain Injury. Now she is surrounded by people who have never heard the term, much less understand it and the ramifications of a severe brain injury, are too extensive to explain to every person we meet.

It is difficult to educate without it being perceived as protective, making excuses or sheltering her. We really try to limit how much the brain injury has altered our life and we resist at all costs the urge to use Maddi’s brain injury as an excuse. Creating a feeling of normal is our objective but it isn’t the “normal” people expect.

• “She looks so normal.” Maybe to someone who doesn’t remember or someone who wasn’t intimate with the light behind her eyes that is no longer there.
• “You would never know she was hurt so badly.” Maybe for someone who spends only an hour or two with her but for those of us living with her the difference and difficulties are drastic.
• “She will have to get used to it sometime.” I agree, but that happens in layers, stages and some things you never get used to, you have to work around.
• “Lots of kids struggle with……” Agreed, but the discrepancy between the top 5% and needing one on one instruction has no comparison to never knowing any different.

Not that the frustration with school changes but it is more the remembering how it used to be. It is like going from a 4G phone with a data plan/ WIFI and unlimited texting to an ancient phone from the turn of the century that can barely find a signal.

Traumatic Brain Injury survivors are the walking wounded and that is permanent. We are conditioned as a species to make decisions based on what we see and we aren’t privileged to “see” most of what is actually going on. I believe that is the biggest reason we are told not to judge! It doesn’t matter how many things you have been through or learned about or studied; every person responds differently to things based on their internal make up and the environment they are navigating.

I have always tried (not always successful) to reserve judgment but this situation has removed any and all desire to suppose I know anything about what is going on inside another person’s head and heart or what they should or should not be doing. Most people have more on their “plate” than they can handle without all the misunderstandings and judgments.

We are totally blessed to have Maddi with us, but death is not the only thing that brings anguish. Watching your children struggle is not on the top 100 preferred activities. It is a daily activity for us. Walking with Maddi through her continued recovery is simply bittersweet. I relish her voice, each hug, smile, sparkle in her eye and her achievements, while at the same time mourn and feel the sadness with her as she comes upon each realization, difficult and deficit, as she gains a better understanding about what this means for her in her life now and in the future.

It is too soon to determine the complete recovery outcome. She has many, many years to figure it out and learn to work around her issues. The future looks bright but it feels so far away. We know that in the end all will be for our good and that she will find her place with her new brain. The wavering optimism isn’t saying that things won’t work out, just that the space and time between now and then is bigger than we are. It is all about:

Dreaming a New Dream

Families are Eternal

I made reference in my last post that I needed to write about family and this journey. First I need to clarify my beliefs about family, mostly because I have friends that I consider family in more ways than one. Some of those friends know me better than some of the people I am actually related too. However, I believe that regardless of the details of the ties or the amount of time spent together…….. Family Ties are Eternal.

We were sent to our specific family for a reason. The family environment helps us develop and become who we are. Family is the best option to help us through our mortal journey and the return trip to our Father in Heaven.

I believe that in the life before we carefully decided who we wanted to walk this road with and they became our family. Living and growing up with these same people can be the best grounding we can have for who we are and who we are meant to be. Siblings are a critical part of our support system regardless of how much time we spend with each other as we move from children to adults with our own little families.

It is impossible to separate from those we spent our developmental moments with even, if they drive us crazy! Not that I have any siblings that fit that category. I am so grateful for those great souls I have walked with and I look forward to passing the years as their families grow and change too.

It needs to be said here that I am aware that there are many childhood homes that can be filled with dysfunction and it can be a hindering component in our lives too. I actually believe that ALL homes have some kind of weirdness, mild or severe whether we are open about it or not.

It is innate in the family structure that parents are not able to “perfectly” build an environment for each person. We live in a group setting, with many characters with different needs and personalities. This diversity in our own family leads to the life long road of acceptance, forgiveness and tolerance.

But, I believe that even in those struggles they still help define who we are. As we rise above those difficulties we gain strength in ways that would not be available to us otherwise. That is not to glorify abuse or mistreatment but to testify that we all have things in our lives that are stumbling blocks but I have faith that we can climb over, under or around those detours and still find our way on the path.

I don’t personally have the ancient history with John’s family or the spouses of my siblings, but can barely remember a time that they were not part of my family. I love them all regardless of how they became family to me. So when I mention family and siblings, I am referring to parents; in-laws or not, siblings I grew up with and siblings that I acquired through marriage. I don’t make a distinction between the two groups. All of them have made an impact on my life and I am grateful for my association with them. I am better for having known them.

Parents (myself included) are not perfect but they are endowed with gifts that allow us to develop in a way that will help us in our future lives. I believe in giving time and respect for those that invested time and energy in our developmental years, perfect or not. I cannot even begin to account for all of the time and money John and I have spent to maintain these relationships.

For us, those relationships require a large investment because of the distance. We have no regrets! We live just far enough to make visiting a huge sacrifice of time and money but not far enough away to relieve us of the desire to be a part of what is going on. Spending time is the only way these relationships are maintained. That knowledge makes all the miles clicking a way on my odometer worthwhile. History proves family as a priority in our lives.

Strict biology dictates that at some point we will celebrate without our parents and that we step up to fill the role of matriarch and patriarch in our own clan. I hope it is far off and in the distant future. Time spent with family now gives perspective, clarity, focus and peace for the time when we are expected to fly solo with our loved ones watching from an unseen place.

I believe that generations before me sacrificed for the gifts I take for granted today. Those who have passed on watch over us on in mortality. We owe a debt of gratitude for the struggles they endured to give us the strength to endure our own trials.

I believe that families have distinct skill and mind sets. I don’t know many of the characters in my dad’s family line but I do believe that one day I will and I will be able to trace many of my own characteristics there as well.

In my mother’s family line there is a distinction known as the “Prince Women”. This trait could be spoken with revered awe or complete disdain depending on the situation and both would be accurate.

I believe that these characteristics were developed through generations to help this “breed” of women along in their lives. It is a two edged sword for sure. These women are strong willed, independent, intelligent, opinionated, hardworking, relentless, and realistic and are not easily controlled. So if you want a passive woman you better look elsewhere.

I am often referred to as a “spitfire, feisty or a fireball” and rarely, a “Prince Woman”. Sometimes it is a compliment but more often as a chastisement or an insult. I really have tried to tame that beast here, but it comes from my double helix.

The “Prince Women” are also honest to a fault, extremely sensitive, intuitive, trusting, loving, compassionate and full of faith and optimism. These women are fiercely loyal and dependable.

You just have to hope and pray with all you have, that they are headed in the right direction because trying to change their mind is not an easy task and not one I would encourage. Gladly, most of the time they stand on the side of right.

I can look through the family stories and see where these characteristics became a life line to those in past generations. I can also look into my own life and see how many of those same traits have shaped my life and helped me through the worst of times, especially during this most recent journey. I see those traits being essential for Maddi as she struggles to accept her limitations and her new life. I am grateful for the legacy.

Sometimes our lives push us beyond our own abilities. We are faced with disappointments and struggles that are completely out of our control. Families not only support us in this life but our ancestors offer their strength, faith and abilities as well.

As Maddi was coming out of her coma she kept talking about the people who were with her in her “still” time. I can testify that she wasn’t alone in that place. I could feel the presence of people remembered and those unknown. I remember thinking I wish I had a calendar to write down the names of the people I felt with us during that time. It was real and undeniable. Most of the characters Maddi talked about I barely knew. I remember recognizing distinctly when Grandma Dorothy and Grandma Beth were with Maddi.

I spent many Wednesdays visiting with Grandma Dorothy and I love her deeply! I know her and I recognized when she was there. My Grandma Beth lived with us for a couple of winters while I was growing up. I learned so many lessons while working side by side with her. I love her also, she is a rare woman. It was like running into an old friend when you least expected, but at the time you needed them the most.

Maddi mentioned many other deceased family members but I didn’t recognize them. I knew we weren’t alone but I couldn’t tell you who was there. Maybe it was because I didn’t know the others as well. Maybe it was because I was tired, stressed or just not in tune at that moment. I don’t know but it isn’t an issue for me.

It was interesting that all of those attending Maddi were in some way related. I don’t think that was an accident and I know it was not a fabrication of what she expected to find on that side of the veil.

Grandma Beth and Dorothy died when Maddi was under the age of 2. She has no memory of ever meeting Grandma Beth in this life. I have no pictures of either of these women displayed in my home. Maddi was able to tell me things about these women that she could not have known.

My Grandma Beth had severe osteoporosis at the end of her life. Where once she stood tall and erect she died, small and hunched over. One of the things Maddi said about Grandma Beth was; “I thought Grandma Beth was supposed to be short. She was tall. I didn’t know she was tall” she also said, “I thought grandmas were supposed to be old. She wasn’t old or young”

It gives credence to the divine nature of the family. Why would those people come to Maddi instead of someone else? Why not have a generic greeter like those found at Wal-mart? Families have eternal significance not just genealogical. We are meant to strengthen each other and I know for a fact that family support doesn’t just stop in this life.

I wonder how many times we have been surrounded by past loved ones without knowing. I wonder how often they look in on us to see how we are doing. It gives reason to pause to think how many family cheerleaders we have beyond the veil. It gives us a reason to keep on trying even during the worst experiences. It gives us a reservoir of strength to draw from that is completely out of view.

I am so grateful for the tiny inkling I did recognize from beyond the veil of mortality. I am overwhelmed at the detail given to this plan of salvation. I am grateful for family members living on earth and those gone before. My faith moved to knowledge as I was given a deeper glimpse into the divine structure of families.

Families are Eternal!

Faith To Live–By Maddi

My journey through recovery has made me realize how much faith it takes to just live an ordinary life. Ordinary, for me, now is not the ordinary it used to be.The more I go about my daily life the more I realize how much faith and a testimony is needed. Faith is always important but especially during trials.

Knowing that Heavenly Father is there and knows each and every one of us gives me an assurance that He will help us through each and every trial and that He does hear and answer our prayers. One thing I've learned is that mortality and our physical bodies influence many of our flaws.

What I Have Learned About Mortality:

• Our bodies are limited
• We can only do our best and the Lord will pick up the rest
• Our knowledge of the scheme of things is limited
• We don't have to know it all
• Material things don't matter
• Telling ourselves we don't have flaws doesn't make them go away
• God made all of us different for a reason
• What we tell ourselves makes all the difference
• We cannot tell ourselves that perfect is attainable because it's not, without the Savior
• All of us fit somewhere in the Lord's plan
• We have to have faith to fulfill all of our promises to Heavenly Father
• Family is there to help us
• Each of us has a purpose here
• We all chose to come here

My journey is hard, but faith makes it easier. When a started speaking I said, “It takes faith to live.”

I may not have understood how applicable it would be at the time, but I sure do now.

Reflections in Kindness and Unity

 

I have been reflecting on our experience wanting to be sure I have documented everything that I know one day will be lost in my memory. This experience can be described with so many adjectives, both positive and negative. I am not to the point that I am grateful for my “trials” as people say. I don’t think I will ever be. I can be grateful for the lessons learned and for the beautiful parts and the miraculous outcome, but never to repeat. (I know I am a rebellious sort!)

In fact, if I had the chance to go back in time I would eat that bowl of soup that was waiting on my stove for me. I would relax in my chair after a long day shopping. I would not worry about saving $10 on a pair of Levi’s.

I would bask in the safety of my four little walls with my little family and be content. I would be happy to live my whole life without ever knowing this journey at all but I can’t deny the impact and adjustment it has made to my life. I want to remember all of the wonderful, beautiful parts of this journey and forget the heartache. With my memory, I might just have a chance!

My last post talked about the financial hardship we are enduring because of my inability to work but as I was writing that post examples of the many tender mercies extended to us kept flooding over me like the torrential waters of our rivers this year. I want to remember every wave, drop and ripple in the water of kindness.

We have been blessed by so many generous people; friends, family, neighbors and complete strangers. For me it was unbelievable that people would sacrifice for our needs.

I am a giver and am far more comfortable giving to others than receiving. I still feel unsure what to say besides a sincere thank you. There is no way to convey how much that eased our burden at that time.

We spent nearly $2000 just in fuel to get to the hospital for those 65 days not to mention the food. We were given several gift cards for the café at the hospital. Those small rectangular pieces of plastic gave us such peace. If we hadn’t had those gift cards I don’t think I would have eaten at all because of the cost. We left the hospital with $20 left on one of those cards and Maddi found someone who needed it. It was gratifying to see the relief found on their face when we passed on the love.

My colleagues and families at my school pooled their limited resources together and it helped pay part of our mortgage one month. After paying for gas we were left short and they made up the rest and the timing was perfect.

Another time a dear family friend came and gave me a card and in it was the exact amount for something we desperately needed at the time. Just two days before that I had been on my knees expressing frustration, need and faith knowing and hoping the Lord would provide for us. He came through once again.

We were given a basket in the early days at the hospital. We were still in the PICU (pediatric intensive care), and we couldn’t really bring a lot in the room with Maddi. We left the basket in the waiting room. We shared the contents of that basket with others living their worst nightmare. Before Christmas, that basket was refilled 3 times. I don’t know by whom, but I remember the joy I felt when I would walk through and see someone with something from the “basket”, staring off into the distance fighting their private demons.

I was grateful I didn’t have to ask someone for water or have to walk the seemingly four blocks through a guarded station to get some. I am so grateful for the thoughtful person who brought that basket in the first place. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but it was invaluable and I was happy to share it. I consider it a loaves and fishes experience.

All of those donations and those I haven’t specifically mentioned, regardless of how large or small it seemed to you, made a huge impact for us. We cannot begin to express our gratitude for the much needed blessings. No one wants to be in such desperate need but to see the outpouring of love is unbelievable. I hope that the blessings were added upon in their lives. Many of the donations we received were of an anonymous nature.

I remember one that was just in an envelope that said, “My uncle manages a Wal-Mart in Wyoming.” Included was a gift card that I gave to my kids at home so they could buy groceries and household items they needed while I was away. I am lucky that my kids are so responsible. That gift card took care of the milk, eggs, perishable veggies and fruit (and probably toilet paper).

I did not buy one Christmas gift. Every gift that my children opened was given out of love for them and us. I actually can’t remember much of that day but I do remember being overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness. I couldn’t have mustered up the energy to face a cheery Christmas crowd. My life was surrounded in worry and shock, that even twinkling lights and delightful music couldn’t penetrate.

I had dear friends that invited my children to dinner and cleaned my house. Dinners were brought into my home many times while we were in the hospital. I was not there to personally benefit but it was comforting for me to know that my children were cared for even though they were capable.

I had a dear friend fly in to be with my kids while we were away at a most critical time. They were in shock and hurting too. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many great friends.

Our shelves, fridge and freezer were stocked with food that we have needed so dearly! We are still eating the meat given to us during that time. If not for that generosity we would now be vegetarians or more accurately eating just a grain based diet.

Thank goodness for the wisdom of Prophets to ask us to have food storage. It is amazing how many different ways you can make rice and beans. We like them best plain. I know it isn’t the best for getting into your skinny jeans but getting by is way more important than the size of your waist!

We were surprised and humbled by glittering jars of coins at the base of our sad little Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. It served two purposes for us. The first is obvious but the second was that our little family spent Christmas Eve sorting coins. It gave us something to focus on besides what was different or missing. The mindlessness of sorting nickels, pennies, dimes and quarters did a great job numbing our minds and it kept us from thinking about the situation. It was hard to feel like celebrating at all.

What surprised me the most was that people cared enough about us to take the time to gather up their coins. We really try to be invisible, we don’t want to bring any attention to ourselves and so we don’t expect people to be all that invested. So much for flying under the radar! It taught me that we influence people every day just by breathing. You never know who is watching from a far.

So many people reached out to us in kindness. Many of these people were only known to me through this blog. I am so grateful my sister was brilliant enough to suggest the idea of a blog. It was sheer genius! What started out as a way to give information to others became a support for me through your comments of encouragement. Thank you!

The examples of monetary value pale in comparison to the emotional support we were given. That support was given through hugs, prayers, cards, thoughts, phone calls, emails special fasts and candles lit in churches in different countries and religion and dear friend’s homes. Each one of the heartfelt expressions of love overwhelmed me. I never expected that kind of outpouring of love. Like I said I am much more comfortable loving people than being loved.

I was utterly amazed at how many of our friends came to see us in the hospital some of them multiple times in the stretched out weeks. It is a long road from our house and even during a busy Christmas season, with hugely expensive gas prices our friends took the time and spent the money to visit us.

Of course, we had a constant presence of family support but that requires another post.

It may have seemed small to them but for those of us “incarcerated” their visits kept us sane! Knowing that we were cared for and loved made all the difference.

The sheer abundance of kindness and generosity is overwhelming when you put it all in one place. It is a testament to the goodness of people in general. This world has lots of questionable things going on right now but the divine goodness of people will never be questioned by me.

I stand in awe at the generosity and the sheer kindness of people, humbled that we were the recipients of such a pure love of Christ in our time of need. All people, crossing all boundaries have innate beauty and compassion in them.

I wish I could adequately share the vision of the type of unity that was created in this situation. People of all walks of life, religion, political persuasion, culture and beliefs saw our human need had compassion and acted. I am grateful for each one.

Not only did people of my own religion support us but whole communities from different religions. This experience gave me a sacred glimpse of unity that one day will be and I know that it is possible.

What a beautiful picture of……

 UNITY IN CHRIST

PEACE ON EARTH

GOODWILL TO MAN

Letting Go

I haven’t posted for a while. Things are going well with Maddi. Sometimes it is hard to remember that she has severe traumatic brain injury. Other times it is entirely obvious.

Summer is derailing my intentions for educational rehab for Maddi. I don’t want her to miss out on activities with her friends and I also believe in JOY and HAPPINESS as well as hard work and persistence.

I am finding it difficult to push the latter. I have also been heavily involved in some other necessary things that have fully engrossed my life like trying to come up with a financial plan for our future.

I have alluded to the fact that our life has taken a serious detour but I haven’t given any details. That is partly due to the fact that sometimes people do not need that much information and partly because things have been completely up in the air.

Those of you who know me personally know that I LOVE teaching first graders. That is my passion outside of motherhood. I have spent much of my time and energy being extremely successful as well. And did I say,I love it!

One of my characteristics (for good and bad) is that I give 110% and more if I can, even if it isn’t required. According to my husband, I have two speeds; On and Off. I would have to completely agree with him. I envy those people who can pace themselves.

This full blast tendency of mine makes me highly effective in most things but it leaves me exhausted in the balance and I had to be very specific in what I chose to do.

For me it was family, my faith and school. That was it. Nothing more, otherwise I would have crumbled like the little house of cards. It was a constant battle and required diligence to establish balance and to make sure my priorities were correctly aligned.

However, there is an opposition to ALL things and this is not exempt. It takes a lot of physical, mental and emotional energy to fill the needs of all those sweet ones in my class.

With the new elements in my life and Maddi’s recovery still an ongoing issue I cannot go back to teaching right now. It has been a loss that required the grieving processes. I know it is unusual but I LOVE spending my day helping children learn but I love my family more! They have always been first.

At school, I have to connect with each child and fill their needs completely or I cannot rest. I know how precious these little ones are, not only, to their families but to our future as a whole.

I also recognize how influential I am in building the foundation for education, character and self-perception. I have to be top of my game or instead of influencing for good I could do the opposite. I am deeply committed and I fully understand my impact on children.

The journey I am on with Maddi’s recovery leaves very little energy in the balance. Working would mean that someone or something would have to fall through the cracks. That is unacceptable. Neither group should suffer; my family or my class they both deserve my best.

In the past I have been able to balance both roles but in my new world that is impossible, at least right now. I hope that it will become possible, as we get further into Maddi’s recovery and the journey moves to acceptance of new abilities.

Right now we are just trying to regain her skills and there is no manual for that and time is the most important! The earlier she rewires the more successful she will be.

I know my limitations, I cannot maintain the intensity it takes to be the kind of teacher I am and have any patience left to help Maddi navigate through four and five hours of homework. The time frame alone would put her at a disadvantage.

She is doing fabulous but the organization part that helps her prioritize the order and the things needing to be done has been affected by her brain injury.

I hope that over time we can help her establish some procedures that will allow her some independence in that area but that doesn’t happen by accident.

Just like with my first graders, learning is not an accident. The ones that have involved parents to help reinforce and further establish the pathways created in their brains at school create a permanency that those children will use forever.

That is what I am doing for Maddi, the only difference is that we have to go about it differently and at an age that it is expected that she already has those pathways built.

The schools cannot fill this need for her. It isn’t that they won’t. The structure of the school system is for broad education not an individual one. Being an educator, I know the limitation of the structure and this is definitely outside its realm.

Anyway, that being said, not working is taking a toll on our financial well-being. It has been six months since I have received any pay and it wasn’t like I had any preparation for that loss or the new expenses of the situation. I didn’t have time to shuffle my financial deck before it became a 200 card pick up in the middle of the floor.

When I began working 10 years ago we were really good at putting that pay into the extra pile but as the paycheck became steady and reliable it didn’t stay there. Besides children become more expensive as they age instead of less so. I think formula and diapers were an easy expense to calculate compared to the varied needs of teens. So my paycheck became relied upon. So this has put a bend in our road but it is just that……. a bend.

So many times in the early moments, my husband and I would say, “We would give anything to have Maddi wake up.” So in the shadow of those thoughts all of this financial woe is relative.

When I was fighting to get the therapy Maddi so desperately needed and I told the team of doctors and support staff, that I would write out a check and pay for it myself and I didn’t care if I lost my house or everything I owned. I was completely serious.

Considering what we were willing to give up, we are getting off easy. We won’t lose our home and even if we did, everything(material wise) is replaceable.  Happiness doesn’t come from things. It might be a difficult bend in our road to walk but it is so much easier knowing our family is intact and Maddi has a bright outlook and future.

So the innate teacher inside gets to work on a very personal project for a time, things could be worse! I get to use all my skills to make a difference for my family and for Maddi. That makes letting go so much easier but…………………..

I WILL MISS…

• the bright smiles on the first day and the joy the kids feel when they “really” read a chapter book.
• the beautifully written first grade stories that make me laugh.
• taking a concept from beginning to end to create a desired outcome.
• the hugs that I know “technically” I shouldn’t give but how do you say no to outstretched hands.
• the elation they find when they figure out a math concept or make a new friend.
• watching the internal strength gained from facing a “meany” and standing up for themselves.
• the creative way children see the world, unaffected by life’s seasoning.
• the embellished stories children tell of things at home that are only peppered with truth.
• the pure innocence of their trust that I love them and the time spent proving that trust was placed in the right hands.
• the energy I wish I could bottle and sell it to tired exhausted adults and drink myself at 2pm.
• the day to day relationships with colleagues, families and parents.
• the exhilaration I feel when my “kids” succeed.

Most of all I will miss making a difference, whether they remember me or not.

So it is a bend in the road but I am still walking. I still get to make a difference it is just in an alternate venue for a time.

Type “A” Myths

I am a notorious type A personality. I like order, plans and checklists. Productivity has been most valuable to me. If I am engaged in a worthwhile pursuit I can find meaning and satisfaction in whatever is needed to accomplish the task. I don’t do as well in an open ended, no resolution type of situation. Being home with few distractions and few options has allowed me to unravel many of the type A myths.

1. Getting up at the crack of dawn to exercise doesn’t increase your calories burned or the desired outcome.

2. Time is relative, being busy doesn’t necessarily mean productive or successful. Faster/more doesn’t equal better. The dust will always be there.

3. Mortality dictates a larger percentage of our quirks than the spirit does. Much of what we struggle with has more to do with the physicality of mortality than it does with any internal flaw.

4. Being a morning person doesn’t give you higher “moral” ground. We all have the same 24 hours. Does it really matter which ones you are awake for? Who cares when you get your stuff done, as long as it gets done!

5. Spirituality and righteousness include questioning, pondering and sometimes complete disagreement.  It also includes humility, patience, perseverance and acceptance.

6. It is in the quiet and the still that the work of refinement is done.

7. Sometimes you can check everything off your to do list and still neglect the most important things.

8. The things that make you “look” the best most often are the LEAST important.

9. Spirituality has no direct relationship to the hours spent warming the pews or the number meetings attended.  It is about the relationship between you and the Lord and your willingness to follow his plan, even if you don’t understand or like the “why’s” of the request. 

10. Type “A” personalities are not always preferred. Flexibility and an Open Mind make for happier, more accepting and content people.

11.  Type “A” personalities are highly productive and are efficient at getting the job done.  That doesn’t mean that their way is the only way to get it done.

12. Type “A” people agonize because of the expectation of controlling things that were never meant to be controlled.  Let it go!

13. I think life is more about ACCEPTING and UNDERSTANDING our limitations than trying to pretend we don’t have them.

Obviously, I am not a completely reformed type “A'” personality but I have a much better perspective on what really matters.  This isn’t a judgment on which personality is better either.  I love people of all varieties.  I am just doing some myth busting!

God made each personality for a reason and he needs every single one to do their part. Each unique perspective is valuable and needed.    This is a celebration that different does NOT mean superior or inferior.  We are what we are, as long as we are moving forward and improving each day, there is no ranking.  There is a place for each one of us in God’s arms regardless of the mold he used in our creation.

Writing in my Head

Every night as I start to fade into the mattress my mind goes wild with ideas to write about. I have decided it is a kick back to the hospital days when I wrote almost every night.

It has been said that it takes 30 days to create a habit, well I had 65 days and the habit is hard to break. I have to say that I am glad that snuggling, snogging and can-noodling with my husband is a much bigger motivator than writing.

After those terrible 65 days of limbo and not having my man next to me each night, I would much rather let his internal heater lull me to sleep than the words on the page.

That being said, I can’t stop my brain from actually writing. It does it in my head. So, I lay there with all the words floating around and spinning like a finely tuned bicycle.

Some of it is amazing, but more of it is reflective and mediocre. Sometimes it is more of a rant full of every swear word that I know and other times it is full of gratitude complete with beautiful, calming, reassuring sentiments.

It would be easier if I just sat down and wrote it out then I wouldn’t spend my dream sequences trying to remember the best of what was mentally written.

Tonight, I am bi-polar in my feelings. I am full of gratitude that today was one of the first days, I actually had any amount of energy that wasn’t motivated by heavy doses of caffeine.

I really think there should be a waiver for emergency coffee rations that doesn’t void the WOW (Word of Wisdom, for those who don’t know).

I have been known to seek out and linger over the smell down that wonderful isle at the market dreaming of an alert, exhaustion free morning. My secret is out, yes, I do inhale, I just don’t drink. 

I am also feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the reconstruction of our life. Actually, I would consider what we are going through more of a remodeling of life. We can’t rebuild what was, we have the distinct pleasure of starting from where we are and fashioning a new life out of the pieces that are left.

Most days follow a similar path as before; laundry, cleaning, cooking, talking, reading and working, so it feels almost normal. It is when things seem out of phase that I look around and feel like I am in an alternative reality that just doesn’t work for me.

Anyone who has had a “trajectory changing” event happen in their lives will attest that going back will never happen.  Moving forward is all we can hope for.

The moving forward is needed for everyone not just Maddi, this is a family event. Living with semi-rigid, OCD prone people makes altering the “trajectory” difficult but it is attainable.

If I only write about the good things, I give a dishonest picture of what this journey looks like.  Writing only about the happy things requires the pretense that things are perfect and just the way they should be.

I can’t do that because then I would have to pretend to buy into the idea that perfection is attainable which it is NOT and that is a debilitating, destructive lie!  Thanks Satan, We know you are a busy weasel of a should have been man.

People who pretend loose all credibility with me and looking to them as an example for strength, courage or perseverance would be like looking for a mirage.  It just isn’t believable, helpful or truthful.

We are struggling in many ways but we are advancing and getting better everyday. I believe that admitting that things are hard doesn’t mean that we have overlooked the blessings. I believe that even Jesus was able to admit that things were hard and he didn’t want to do it……….think Gethsemane, “let this cup pass….”.

Everyone has crappy days and hard things to deal with. Change is hard! It is comforting to know that the landfill of life has many occupants and our presence there is temporary. And that you have not been singled out in your afflictions. I think it shows strength when we can be honest.  How can we “mourn with those who mourn” when we don’t know what is going on?  That commandment is impossible if we are all pretending.

Sometimes things just happen and there doesn’t have to be a reason. Sometimes an accident is just that, an accident. Sometimes the best laid plans have to be discarded for a new more pertinent one.

Sometimes, we are just victims of unfortunate events and it has nothing to do with God or our choices. Looking back you can always see ways to improve the “now”, but if we were to go back without the knowledge from the journey we would probably make the exact same choices.

Here are just a few of the difficult spots for us right now:

1. Losing 1/3 of our income has put a damper on all of our short and long term financial plans and just paying the bills.

2. Not being able to plan for our future because of lack of information and not knowing what Maddi will need. I am a planner.

3. The debilitating emotional and physical FATIGUE and STRESS of remodeling our life.  Praying about it or having more faith doesn’t alter that fatigue.  God may strengthen us so we can more comfortably carry our burden,but it doesn’t go away.

4. Balancing how we did things before and how we need to do things now and having the follow through and energy to do it.

5. Altering the expectations for ourselves and for Maddi.

6. Accepting the need to change our dreams to accommodate a new future but fearing to dream at all.

7. The unknown. So much of Maddi’s recovery now is trial and error. We won’t know her deficits until they show. Trying to discern those things that are truly gone and not worth spending our energy on and those things that just need rehabilitation to regain. A road map or a manual would be helpful.

8. Navigating normal everyday sibling and teen issues with TBI (traumatic brain injury) in the mix. Parenting is a glorious, beautiful, challenge in the best of circumstances. I have great kids but they are normal (if there is such a thing), not perfect.

Each of my kids are; fabulous, unique, talented, intelligent, hardworking and intense. If you don’t know them well, you are missing out.  They are rare individuals that walk to their own rhythm.  My music often times just doesn’t match.

I enjoy every minute with them unless they are fighting or being snarky to each other, then I just go “postal” with a mixture of turrets and swearing. I have no patience for mistreatment of other people!  I always regret the swearing once the rage passes. 

This is not something you get over. It is something you get through and learn to live with. Just because you don’t see the struggle doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Pretending doesn’t make it go away. This journey completely altered our life, perspective, our priorities, our dreams and our future and that is OK.

That doesn’t mean that our new future is negative, just different. I am sure we will find happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment and joy in our new world too. The transition is just a little overwhelming and it takes time to alter the dreams of 20 some odd years.

9. Feeling like no matter what choice you make, it will never make things right. When the only choices you have are not preferred or even positive, you hesitate to make any choices at all.

10. Feeling guilty for often hating this journey and wishing for the past. At the same time being so grateful for the miracles and gifts given.

If you want to get me raging just tell me this was in God’s plan. If that is true, apostasy is my next step. A loving Father doesn’t write out a prescription of this magnitude for us to learn a lesson.

Agency and choice cannot be taken away. Sometimes they have catastrophic consequences. That doesn’t mean God meant for it to happen. We can make the best of a bad situation but I cannot accept that God planned it.

I believe that God intervened on Maddi’s behalf for an unknown reason. When I think of others who are still in the bed unable to move I wonder why and feel unworthy.

This miracle had nothing to do with our personal righteousness or that our prayers were heard more than others. It is impossible for me to understand God’s reasons. I can only be grateful and humbled that we are even a blip on his radar.

Looking at that list you would think that life is horrible for us. Not really. Things are going well and mostly we are happy, we laugh, smile and feel content; we are just walking a challenging road. We have to make financial decisions we hate. We have to prioritize in a way we haven’t needed to for many years.

We have to give up things that bring us balance and peace and look for new ways to achieve those critical elements. We have to purposefully look for the positive or else the negative could swallow us whole. I am not complaining, just telling the truth.

The aftermath of that split second decision is still rippling through our life like a tsunami. Eventually the pond will settle and calm will return. We just have to give it time.

Through this journey, we also get an eternal perspective and a reality check on what is most important. Our faith will ultimately be strengthened, though on our bad days it feels a little shattered. We get to see miracles daily and see our very personal importance to God.

Our family will unite and become stronger. We will become more resilient and flexible which will enable us to walk this journey without every rock cutting into our feet.

We will have compassion and withhold judgment because we have walked a road less traveled, knowing that everyone, regardless of circumstance, is doing their very best and that IS and WILL BE ENOUGH!