People say the darndest things!

18 March 2011
People say the darndest things!

I always try to find the best in every situation but every now and then, I am amazed at the indifference some people have to those around them. I am a slow to anger kind of person. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even when they are at their worst. I truly believe that there is good in every person but…………… every now and then I wonder.

Here are some things that I have heard recently:
1.“Well, I guess you will finally know what it is like to have your kids do something hard.”
2. “You will finally know what it feels like to have a disabled child.”
3. “I guess it is your turn. You have always had it easy!”
4. “So much for your perfect world.”

OK, now I don’t usually broadcast my business mainly I believe that what you focus on expands. You will rarely hear me complain about my struggles not because it isn’t hard but because I don’t think it is overly helpful or beneficial in any respect.

Also, I whole heartedly believe that every person on this planet has hard stuff in their lives! NO ONE has claim to the ultimate difficulty in life except maybe Christ. He is the picture of doing all the right things and getting the most disastrous results in mortality. He saw the big picture and I try to do the same thing.

After hearing these judgments of the ease of my life I actually found myself wanting to “educate” this person physically, if you know what I mean, maybe with my hands around their neck. Contribute those feelings to a long deeply emotional journey, lack of sleep and me being in a difficult, very unsettled time, it doesn’t really matter. Needless to say I was speechless.

I hate being misunderstood and I truly expect other people to be genuine in their compassion and kindness for every person going through this temporary human condition. I wanted to scream and throw a tantrum right there and then. Not because they said something “wrong” but because they were so blind and pressumptious. Also, because everyone has days where the struggle feels bigger than life and I happen to be in one of those seasons right now.

First, for those of you who don’t know me personally, I have three other children besides Maddison. All of which are fabulous kids but not one of them is perfect! All of them have their struggles and because I am the mom I hurt when they do, I am so proud of their accomplishments. I want to protect, defend and ease their burdens just like everyone else. I want to brag about how great they are too. I, for the most part, keep my head about me but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I just look at what is going to be best in the long term for my kids. Parenting is the most intense, emotionally difficult job in the universe!

One thing that obviously these people did know is that my children don’t struggle academically. In fact they don’t even have to work at getting good grades. They can fall out of bed and ace a test without even looking at the material. That “gift” breeds lack of initiative and avoidance of hard things. What they obviously don’t know or don’t truly understand is that two of my kids have High Functioning Autism that distorts their social and communication abilities.

A temporary school day with a three month reprieve seems like a bargain compared to the LIFE LONG struggle to make and maintain relationships, read social cues, interact appropriately and understand the temporary “high school” stupidity that seems to drag on long into adulthood for some people.

They have difficulty recognizing good friends versus bad ones. They struggle to find loyal friends that have enough strength of character to not be bothered by the quirky nature of Autism/Asperger’s. All of which is INVISIBLE to the outsiders looking in.

This affects them forever, people! They don’t grow out of it! They have to work at it every single day of their life! They get to work hard and learn things that have no grounding inside them at all for the whole of their life! It isn’t about good parenting either!!!

It affects their marriage, family, friends and job opportunities. It puts all of those things that bring joy in life just outside their reach without a great deal of work on their part. Reading, Spelling, Math and Writing seem pretty minuscule in comparison.

I don’t want to down play the struggles for those with learning difficulties or disabilities. I teach emerging readers, I know how hard it can be. It is difficult no matter what the struggle is. I just wanted to put it out there that school is temporary. You don’t spend your whole life, all 80 to 90 years in that setting.

Those comments directed towards me seem almost comical now. I wanted to laugh and scream at the same time. I think we all do it though, we look at someone else’s life and say, “I wish.” That is jealousy talking and most times the details of their life are very different than the fantasy created in your own mind.

I am sure those comments just didn’t come out right and maybe I was having a more difficult day keeping my own spirits up. I don’t hold any grudges or harbor any ill will towards these people because maybe, just maybe, they were struggling too! I don’t remember what I said but I do know that I controlled my "urges" and smiled and hopefully they walked away uplifted instead of throttled.

So here are the lessons for the day and I need them too:

•We know and understand so little of the details of a person’s life that it lacks compassion, mercy and intelligence to make any sort of judgment regarding any of the particulars in their life! Looking in through the window hardly makes you an expert on what life is like for them.

•Everyone has difficulty that is part of the journey called life! Anytime you find yourself in a slump, give yourself time to be mad, sad, angry, devastated or whatever the emotion is and then move on knowing that everyone has those days. The statement, “It came to pass” has significance here.

•Since we all have to deal with crappy stuff, let’s go out of our way to make sure that every interaction we have with people helps them see and feel the best about themselves instead of the opposite. Let’s look for ways to lift and inspire those around us. Instead of judging that struggling mom or that awkward teen, maybe be a friend and a help instead. Focus on the good and it will expand in your life!