Reality

I personally and individually haven't done a post lately because I have wanted Maddi to feel ownership of her story. I didn't want my perceptions of this experience to influence her own. We, as a family are having a common experience but all of us are having our own, individual journey. Each of those journeys are deeply personal and emotional.

When you face a life shattered and dreams stolen whether they be your own or someone that you love deeply it alters your focus and expectations. This journey is felt through all the emotions, happy and sad, angry and content. Some days are so full of gratitude that you feel like you will never complain again. Other days are so full of loss that you wonder if you will ever be able regain those feeling of peace. Some days you want to wake up from the bad dream and others you feel so close to the Spirit that you are grateful for the hardships.

I am the annoyingly optimistic friend that always finds the silver lining. I find blessings in every situation. I believe that you have to learn to roll with life and find happiness along the way, not at any given destination. That being said I also am a realist as well. I can't live in blind denial to the truths and facts facing us either. The Optimist and Realist often find themselves at odds. I house them both deep inside my personality. I like to think that they are complementary but sometimes the realist really puts a damper on my optimism.

Maddi is learning so well and is physically doing great. Often times I can completely forget that anything has happened to her. Then reality rears and the discrepancies show up. The recognition of her unmet dreams and the need to change those dreams to fit a new set of circumstances upsets my balance. I am one that believes that no one should have to settle for less. All of this is part of what will become our "new normal" but letting go of the "past normal" is part of this journey but in that there is a death.

I also know that in time this will all be a memory and life will move on. As she is determined to learn and grow there is also the knowledge that time is one of the most precious commodities we can access. In the time it takes for her to relearn there will be many doors close and I have to trust that many doors will also open.

I have been so focused on the "birth" of blessings and the miraculous recovery that I haven't had much time to contemplate the "death" of her lost dreams and opportunities. While in the death place I feel like the most ungrateful person on the planet. I should just be grateful that Maddi is here and doing well........ I am, but as parents we don't want to watch our child struggle through this maze inside her head, needing to relearn everything she ever knew.

I know that many children struggle to learn and I don't have any trouble with that. It is the remembering how it was, that is hard. I know that we are not alone in this. Many people have losses, unmet dreams and difficulties in this life. Being in a crowded room doesn't make the reality any more comfortable.

Learning to understand and know the New Maddi while at the same time longing for the old Maddi brings up all kinds of feelings for me.

I long for her spontaneity and her spunk. I long to see her humor and emotions shine through. I want to hear her stories again, see her imagination and creativity return in full blossom.

At the same time I am in love with her attitude, resilience and groundedness. I admire her humble acceptance and trust in God's plan for her. I marvel at her patience and compassion with herself and other as she learns again.

She isn't perfect now nor was she then. I don't want to assert that everything is smooth and beautiful. It wasn't before and it isn't now. Life continues and the law of opposition is part of everything! To the degree the days are wonderful, there will be those days with the same intensity on the down side. However, I can assert and testify that in experiencing the one, the opposite becomes more clearly defined.

Maddi's attitude in all of this is remarkable! She has mentioned several times that she wished that this was all a dream and that she could wake and find herself back where she was. I actually find comfort in her verbalizing these feelings. It shows that she is truly aware of the situation and is adjusting and dealing with what is.

One of the things we haven't seen a lot of is emotion. It is a little worrisome. She just calmly accepts what is. Not to complain, she could be screaming,suicidal or destructive but emotion is a beautiful thing! Emotion is what makes us human and real. It is a huge part of our personalities. It also is an important part of this journey we are on.

In our family with the Autism factor, we have always used the term, "Radical Acceptance" for things that are not what we want, expected or planned for and things that we cannot change. Maddi has used this term so many times in the last few weeks. We always say,"It is, what it is!" It has become a bit of a mantra. Even in those moments there is acceptance.

The journey for acceptance really doesn't affect our gratitude! We are truly grateful and we recognize and never want to forget the miracle and mercy granted to us. Many times I have felt the Spirit carry me on those less than sunshiny days. I have been inspired as to what learning needs to happen and how much rest is needed for Maddi and myself. I have felt the warm confirmation of a decision that was made and the feelings of all is well. I know that the our Savior lives and that we have a Loving Father in Heaven.

Even when I am wondering about our situation I find that no matter how difficult things are and how battered our prior life is, there is purpose, peace and knowledge that God knows us by name, and is aware of our needs.

Acceptance is needed for moving forward.

FAITH is required to move forward with peace and happiness. Or as Maddi so eloquently said;
"It takes FAITH to live!"