Attitude, Gratitude and Knowledge

Maddi is doing awesome! It is amazing to watch her determination and persistence to learning something new. I know some of you are thinking but you were saying that her attention is a problem. Both of these statements are true. Attention is definitely a problem, she is easily distracted moment to moment. However, once she knows what "we" are working on she will continue to work on that skill all night long to the point of exhaustion.

Lisa (PT) mentioned that she wanted to hear Maddi laugh, over and over again that night she was working on her laugh. She now has a nice, soft little giggle going on. She is still distracted but she always come back to the particular skill we are working on.

It is interesting to hear her internal dialog. Everyone has one, it is all the things we say to ourselves when no one is listening and no one is there to rescue us from our own self. It dictates our perceptions of who we are. I call it the "shoulds person". The part of our internal state that determines our success on a checklist we have created. You all know the voice; " I should be skinny, smarter, kinder, more organized, service oriented, driven................." you fill in the blank. It is the sister we embrace as correct without providing a check and balance system for her. She is the most dangerous person in the world and usually women have difficulty navigating this relationship.

Right now Maddi is having that dialog aloud. I am seeing parts of her that she would have kept so private before just like any teen. I am grateful to hear her talk. I am more grateful to hear how compassionate and kind she is to herself. I always knew she was kind and compassionate to others and I hoped that she would be so with herself. From her dialog, I would say my hope has met fruition.

Women seemed to error on the side of critical judgment when dealing with ourselves. I liked how Brother Uchdorf said, "Some people don't get along with themselves." Luckily for Maddi she either doesn't have that problem or hasn't reached that stage of recovery. So far she is really positive with herself. Today she was doing something and had said the right answer but wrote it incorrectly. Instead of saying mean things to herself she said,

"I am just impulsive right now. I am working on impulsivity. I will get better".

I am so pleased to see that optimism and hope for better things to come. They have told us that depression is a common side effect of her type of injury. So far it seems that she is doing pretty well. I am so grateful, I can only imagine how this would be if she were saying mean things to herself and berating herself for those things that she "should" be able to do. What a tender mercy! It gives reason for pause to assess if we are treating ourselves with the same kindness.

Tonight, she did say she remembers being able to do all of these things without any help. I reassured her that needing help doesn't mean she isn't great! We also talked about how she will learn to do these things by herself again and even if she doesn't it is OK. We talked about how when bad things happen we have to look for ways to be happy even when it is hard. She talked about not wanting to forget things. She wants to remember this day forever.

She said, "It is easier to be happy"
I said , "You are right but sometimes it is OK to be sad, mad and angry. We just don't get to stay there forever."
She said, " Being sad and mad forever would be miserable." What an insight!
She said, " I want to help people have hope and be happy."
I told her she already has.

She talked a lot about frustration and worry. She is really processing a lot of things. She has been worried that if she didn't work hard enough she couldn't go home. But she is also tired a lot. We are trying to help her learn to pace herself. She needs lots of "Brain Breaks" and the rest is just as important as the work.

We are so grateful that her memory is intact but the Law of Opposition is in play in this situation just like every other thing in the universe. Her memory makes the recovery so much easier but the emotional side of accepting her limitations is actually really hard to help her through.

Often times TBI people don't remember what it was like to do all of the things they used to do. In that ignorance there isn't any loss. Maddi remembers everything and so right now she has to come to terms with not being able to do what she remembers. Her attitude right now is remarkable. Gratitude is her most frequently used word with Blessed tied for that rank. I am so grateful that she has that internal hope, gratitude and optimism without that this rehab would be so much more difficult.

I am sure we will hit some rocky patches but overall she has inspired me in her ability to find happiness.

We have had a hearing test -All is perfect there.

We had an X-ray to see what is going on with her diaphragm. It really isn't moving or changing when she is inhaling or exhaling. We need to determine if she just hasn't found the muscles or if this is one area that the damage could be permanent. Only time will tell.

Friday we do the vision screening. We think we will see somethings there but don't really know what to expect.

She will also be having a scope done to look at what her vocal cords are actually doing. That will be sometime this week also.

Cognitively Maddi is doing so well but doesn't have the stamina for long term thinking or attention. All of the things we are working on are buried deep inside the brain and we just need to "tease" out the quirks and make sure her skills are well developed and that we know what to do to help her rebuild those pathways correctly.

If she practices a skill incorrectly because of the impulsive behavior or lack of attention, right now it has a huge possibility that those errors will become permanent. So it is about making sure we do the right things. When I said that learning to walk and getting her "speech" back was the easy part, I wasn't kidding.

The Speech and Language things that we are doing are so critical and so sensitive. Rewiring is more difficult and easier for someone like Maddi. She remembers, so she overestimates her abilities so errors happen, but at least she isn't starting without any prior knowledge. This factor is why it is so important for someone to be with her always during this stage of relearning.

I have been "dreaming" of going back to school and one of the areas I considered was Speech and Language Pathology but I really wanted someone to pay me to do brain research on why some brain pathways are found in kids and some are just missing. I wanted to figure out how those pathways are made and how to facilitate them in a more systematic way. That was all before this little hiccup in the road. I find it curious that here I am. Maddi's biggest need right now is Speech, OT and she is recovering from a brain injury.

I am grateful that I have been obsessed with brain research and how kids learn and adapt to learning differences for all of these years. I have felt compelled to read things that should have been the equivalent to a powerful sleep agent but I have found them fascinating. It has helped me in working with Maddi. Now that obsession has way more focus than before.

Knowledge is Power but.....
Attitude Overrides Knowledge and
Gratitude directs Attitude and Use of Knowledge.