The Future Looks Bright

Up until now I have purposefully not allowed myself to think much about the future because there were too many unknowns and fears to chase around. Today, I can truly say I can look further in the future than 4 hours. I am apologizing in advance for those who just want details about Maddi. When I started this post it developed a life of its own. If you don't want reflections from a grateful mom you might want to skip this particular post. This one is more about my internal state than anything Maddi is doing.

I am so grateful for the miracles that are happening for Maddi! I know it is from the faith and prayers of so many who love her and from the Grace and Mercy of a loving Father in Heaven. I know it has a lot to do with hard work and determination too but really only God could create such a miraculous recovery for Maddi. Nothing any of us have done would have made any difference if it wasn't HIS will.

I know that for awhile when I prayed I was afraid to ask for anything for fear I would ask for something that was against God's will. I could only pray that he would bless Maddi and that we would be strong enough to accept his will in this matter. It wasn't a matter of lack of faith that God could heal her, but not wanting to push for what I shouldn't.

I really wanted to cash in all of blessings for the whole of my life in this one place and never ask again for one single thing and beg for a miracle. Not that I didn't beg because I did, but adding the "Thy will be done." was agonizingly difficult for me. I hope that none of you reading this post ever experience this first hand. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience and that moment of not asking when I wanted to scream for his mercy for Maddi, I believe will remain undisputed forever.

I was more than desperate to have my little girl back laughing and whole, but I knew there weren't any guarantees. Not everyone gets the miracle. Sometimes the plan is about growth and endurance not full healing. I feared that road more than anything but I have never let fear stop me before so I just kept moving forward.

I also know personally people who are learning to accept what God's plan had detailed out for them and it wasn't something you would pray for. My heart aches even now for those who have lost loved ones in one way or another. I wish I could carry their burden for them just for a day but I would probably buckle and break under the weight. I know that I am not any more deserving than others who are suffering so I had to be willing to put on God's Team Jersey regardless of the personal outcome.

I know that God wired her brain the first time so he could do it again but I didn't know his plan. I also knew that many people were praying for her and exercising their faith as well. I wanted a miracle for their sakes too. I didn't want our experience to shake the faith of anyone fasting and praying for her.

The miracles have happened and I am so grateful! I know the power of God and am so humbled that he granted the desire of my heart. I know we still have such a long road ahead but at least I don't fear the road as much. My knees are no longer shaking with each step and my heart is pounding for a different reason than fear. The pounding is for gratitude and reverence for a Lord that would see my need and fill it. For a Loving Father who would grant me a miracle though I am undeserving of such an intervention.

I know it is all about Maddi and her faith, strength and abilities. It really has nothing to do with me but my journey through this has been one of monumental proportions. It has altered me forever. I felt indebted before the accident to my Savior and was dedicated to following his plan and would have never wavered. But I can never in a million lifetimes repay the gift that has been returned to me in these miracles of movement, memory, voice and love. I have nothing but what he gives me.

Even the ability to fight when the fight was needed was granted as a gift. All of the work I do with Maddi comes from a lifetime of gifts from the spirit in teaching and the divine guidance to work in the places I have worked doing the things I have done. I have been inspired and taught what is needed with Maddi. I can't explain it. I have always believed that God endows you with what you need to get through but in this experience it hasn't been some abstract concept people talk about and hope for. It has been real! Ideas have just surfaced in my mind and skills have been there to accomplish the task.

If anything I am convinced of my smallness in God's realm, while at the same time he convinces me of my importance to him.

The words to Amazing Grace pop into my mind so often. I am not much of a singer these days but I would sing this song to Maddi while she was recovering. I would lay next to her in her bed, holding her tight and sing. I don't know who it calmed more but when panic would rise in her eyes I would begin. I couldn't do much to reach her then but somehow this music did.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

I grew up in the Bible Belt in south Texas but being taught of a loving Father I didn't understand the fear talked about regarding God. I have a deep understanding of this verse in its entirety now.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures

Not only has God been my shield but he has granted more than my portion and my hope is secured and his promises are sure.

It has been amazing to hear all the things Maddi has to say about the time that she was "still and quiet". I feel so privileged to hear them right off her lips.

One thing she wants everyone to know is:
"Jesus is my brother and he loves us. He want us home".